I watched as her hand carefully snatched the cigarette pack, watching as she picked one up and placed it between her blump pinkish lips, which left me dazzled for a part of the moment.
"Do you have a lighter on you?" She spoke with the cigarette settled in the clench of her teeth.
"Of course," I replied as I dug in jeans pocket for the silver lighter, still too confused and too puzzled, which gave me an unavoidable urge to ask. "Didn't know you smoke!"
The little flame of fire lit the end of her cigarette, securely protected by the palm of my hand to make sure it doesn't get put out by the breeze. After a little breath of the cigarette rested in her lungs, smoke was there to blend in the air.
"I do, every once in a while." She let the cigarette rest between her fingers, then looked at me with eyes filled with query. She had sparkles of worry adorning her eyes, questions unspoken found shelter in her pair of glistening eyes, and for a moment, I felt frozen, under a huge force her eyes placed upon me. "But that's not what matters now."
I could feel my heart dropping to my stomach, lumps gathered in my throat in concern. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't scared, I was too afraid of what she had to say, part of me was so scared that she knew something she wasn't supposed to know, as if she'd read my mind, and even though it's was impossible, everything felt possible in a moment of panic.
"Renee," Her gaze softened after it was once sharp, and everything felt safe for a moment. She offered a small smile, a very small one that it looked rather sad. In a sudden moment, she had her hand in mine, intertwining our fingers together like a net. "What's the matter, you seem pretty off."
I tried to use the little sarcastic laugh that escaped my lips for my own advantage, to show her that it was all in her head and everything was just fine. While the truth of it was that it wasn't a single matter, it wasn't just one thing, it was an unbelievably huge amount of bullshit that it felt as if the question can never be answered. But before I had to lie, her voice was heard, to save me frankly.
"You can tell me, whatever it is." She gave my hand a little squeeze. "I do want to help you, if you let me in. I mean, you literally saved my life, without you I'd be dead now so the least I can do is to try to help you find some peace of mind."
I cleared my throat in preparation for a lie. I couldn't help it, my eyes fell on her and then I was lost, I was trapped in that gaze of hers with no way out. I was stuck in a heart rush again, and everything around seemed to fade away. The only thing that was really there was her, she was the only thing that I could focus on, forcefully.
"I'm just tired, you know. Last night was hell, even before I met you. I had a lot going on, a lot that you don't know about." I let go of her hand, looked away, did everything I could to avoid falling under her effect again. "My head is just a big mess."
"That's not all of it, is it?" She questioned, again. Her voice shaking with worry and with an eager desire of knowing. I felt that if she would ask another question I wouldn't be able to hold myself from letting it all out to her.
I took a cigarette from the pack, the last one, then stood up and walked a little far away from her. I was so willing to hide it, to be unseen, and I wanted this conversation to be over.
"It is," I said, and for some reason my voice was cold, maybe because it was all a lie. I pulled my lighter out again, and watched as the flame illuminated the other end of the cigarette that lied like a burden between my teeth. I breathed in, feeling as the poison started running through my veins to sooth every bit it passed over. "But you don't need to worry about it, it will be all good with a few cigarettes and a bottle of vodka." At least I hoped it will be okay with cigarettes and vodka.
