𝙍𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙚.
As soon as I opened my eyes, and before I could comprehend anything, I was attacked by the raging headache that wasted no moment to take over my head, that I could feel certain veins beating against my skull. It was all so blurry, like clouds hovering over my eyes, and everything was spinning in a snail's pace.
It felt as if I had fallen right into real life, a harsh fall rather. The soft material of the sheets was touching my skin, I was naked, and I was alone in bed. As I looked around me, at my surroundings, everything felt new, strange, nothing was familiar. That wasn't the bed at Jerrica's house, that whole room was different. I needed to remember what happened, I tried to squeeze the memories out of my mind but it was all a mere black hole. The last thing I remembered was me falling asleep on the bar counter, and I wasn't even sure if that was true.
Clothing pieces were here and there on the ground, scattered and abandoned. The sight of them helped me figure out something, maybe I was with some girl last night, maybe she drove me to her apartment, and we fucked. That was the only conclusion I could make, and it didn't feel quite realistic since I remember being with Lily.
I tried standing up, but as soon as I got up on my feet I landed back on the bed, heavily. I picked up the Calvin Klein bra that I recognized as mine from the ground and put it on, feeling a bit secure since I felt as though the walls had eyes, and they were watching me. Struggled to put on my black jeans, they were too tight and I was too exhausted to do anything. My shirt seemed to disappear off the face of earth, and there was no other top to put on, and so I let it be.
I could hear footsteps coming closer on the wooden floor, and I could guess it was a pair of bare feet. I felt hopeful for a moment, maybe someone can finally make things clear to me, at least fill a blank in my head of last night. A moment later, my hope was drained, and blood started running cold in my veins when Theo's figure appeared, two cups of coffee in both of her hands, and suddenly I had no will to know anything.
"Well, good morning, you're up earlier than I thought." She made her way to the window, and then the curtains were open, letting in a ridiculous amount of sunlight. "You were pretty wasted last night, thought you might wake up sometime around the afternoon."
Her chocolate locks were a mess on her head, and with the sunlight it looked like dark honey. Her forest green eyes sparkled in the sunlight, despite her squint. She was wearing my American Eagle t-shirt, the one that I was looking for, and it was kind of big for her, it barely covered her thighs, in that moment she was all I could see, the most adorable sight to my eyes. Looking at her, I figured out how much I loved her, and it felt so much better not trying to justify it as anything else.
"Where are we?" I questioned, God it felt like I'd been silenced for ages. "What happened?"
"About where we are, we're in a hotel room." She answered, offering me her cup of coffee, and I mouthed a thanks with a head shake. "About what happened, it's a long story."
She took a little sip of her coffee, careful not to burn her tongue, then placed the cup aside. Her gaze on me was so soft, almost filled with pity maybe. I was itching to know what happened, I knew I did something stupid, I just wanted to know how stupid it was.
"You really don't remember anything, do you?" She asked, in a soft tone of voice, not a good soft, a rather guilty soft. I shook my head in response.
"You came back last night, drunk as hell, and Jerrica kinda caught us making out," before she could finish the sentence, I mentally slapped myself. It was only the beginning of it.
"Holy shit, I'm sorry." I interrupted. Couldn't tell what was worse, the fact that Jerrica caught me making out and kicked me out, or that I was actually making out with Theo, probably without her consent.
"No, no, it's okay." I appreciated her attempts to sugarcoat it, but they were useless. "Then we came here and we, had sex."
Blood froze in my body when she spoke, and I was still like a statue, staring blank at the wall in shock. I was drowning in the conflict of what I felt, a part of me wanted to disappear off the face of earth, I wanted to never exist, I shouldn't had let my meaningless desires affect her like that. On the other hand I felt like shit for I wasn't conscious to feel how heavenly she was in bed.
"But that's not the deal here, you said something last night," She looked too hesitant to say it. A lump was big and heavy in my throat, I wanted to know what I said, yet I didn't want to, I was scared. "You said you love me, so much as you said, is that true? Please be honest."
I tried to swallow the lump away, I wanted to avoid answering. Her eyes were wide, desperate for an eye contact. It all suddenly felt too hot, airless even, and it felt as though I was sweating buckets. Her eyes were seeking for an answer, and I wasn't willing to give her one. I didn't want it to be like that, I imagined it in a romantic dinner, maybe on long night drive, but not like that, cornered to answer after I fucked up.
"Theo," I could tell she was running out of patience, and I was still not ready to give her the answer she wanted.
"I do love you, and I know it sounds awkward but, er, it's been too complicated for me to understand, and I've been thinking about you for forever, and it drove me nuts before I understood it." I let out a sigh, the words felt heavy on my chest, and my mouth felt dry, as if the universe was giving me every reason not to go on. "I love you, so much." Without knowing it, I stood up whilst talking, and made my way closer to her until I stood facing her with only a tiny space in between. I held her by the cheeks, and brought her face closer to mine, aiming for a kiss which I would be sober enough to feel divinity of. But to my disappointment, she turned away.
She walked away from me, closer to the window, with tears gathered in her eyes. I couldn't figure out how she felt about it, she seemed sad, or scared, or maybe just wanted to go away, perhaps a mixture of all. I was frustrated, a part of me was preparing for a heartbreak.
"Renee, I don't know," she held my hand, giving it a squeeze with her eyes soaking in trapped tears, I didn't want her to say anything else. "You deserve so much better, and I - I can't give you that. I'm still not sure if I even like girls, plus, I'm still not over the trauma of Edward, I need some time to figure things out, and I know you'll understand."
"Sure." I faked a smile, then hurriedly looked away, for I knew if she could glance at me she'd read me like a book. It felt as if every drop of blood in my body was up in my head pooling there, I trapped so much within me. I wanted to go somewhere where I'm unknown, where no one can see me, to burst and cry and scream on my own. I especially didn't want her around.
It was my fault, I shouldn't have given up to a bunch of stupid feelings, I shouldn't have believed in them and fed them like I did. Maybe Lily was wrong, maybe I don't love her, or maybe if I kept on ignoring it, it would go away, and it would hurt way less in the process.
I picked up a random shirt from the pile of things that was abandoned, apparently after we were kicked out, and put it on, follow with my leather jacket that was aimlessly on the floor. I knew she was standing still, her eyes on me, and I knew somewhere within her she was wondering where I'm going, and thinking that I'm so much of a coward that I left when things weren't in my favor. But I'd had enough, I'd gone through shit, and this time I'd rather go through shit on my own.
I grabbed my cigarette pack from over the small coffee table, with the lighter in my other hand. Once one cigarette settled between my lips, and the pack was tucked in the back pocket of my jeans, I walked out, shutting the door behind. I was finally alone, that kind of loneliness was so underrated, the loneliness with comfort within. Deep inside I wanted to die in a car accident, so that I'd never had to face her again.
