The mirror showed an almost empty reflection of myself, telling me that I was successfully drowned in my own self. Everything in me showed the color red, my eyes held it, my cheeks burnt with the on going waves of tears, and my nose as well. Through my eyes I could see the anger and the despise I had for my own self, I could see my own weakness, how vulnerable I was appeared through my eyes, just by thinking how much I craved her, just by thinking that a part of me was falling so deeply in love with her. I couldn't deny it, thinking about what Lily told me a few days back, I knew somewhere within me I had fallen for her, as if I could see it through my own eyes in the mirror. I hated it, though, I wasn't supposed to end up like this, holding so much for someone who knew nothing. None of it felt right.
There was a war in my head, I didn't know if I should give up to it, to let a bunch of stupid feelings get me, or if I should fight it until it's gone. It felt like two magnet poles of the same kind resisting against each other, like my own head was trying to kill me. I wanted to scream, I knew I couldn't, for this was supposed to be kept to myself. I wanted to let out all this anger, to find relief, I just didn't know how. And while I was still looking for a way to relieve myself, the raw emotions grew like poison ivy in me, grew stronger that I felt like I was drowning in it.
It was in my head, the love I thought I had for her, the fury against myself and my weakness, the denial, the knowledge of the fact that I would end up fucked up as usual, it was all in my head, and I didn't know how to let it out. All these thoughts blocked me from reality, and for a moment I felt unconscious. The next thing I knew was that I was screaming at the top of my lungs, against my will, with my fist in the air. I could only feel the burn in my knuckles as the mirror shattered to scattered pieces of glass. Then a moment later, I was back. Blood was flooding out of me like a fountain, covering my whole hand, briefly it didn't hurt, it was too painful that it didn't hurt.
"Renee, are you okay?" I could hear her yelling just outside the door with concern, but I just couldn't stand her around me.
"Yes I'm fine, don't worry." I lied, the voice that came out of me was so stiff and solid.
"Come out of the bathroom, let's talk about it." She yelled again, still too worried and too eager to know. A part of me felt like she was more curious about what happened in there than about what happened to me.
"Jesus Christ Theo can I have a moment alone please?" I had that same sharp tone of voice, I could look at every human being except her, I didn't feel like having her around.
I let the cold water from the sink run over the cut, with a little fuck under my breath when the pain shot through my body. For a moment the pain distracted me away from everything else that was going on up in my head, but that was only for a moment. As soon as the water stopped running, and my eyes fell on what was left of my untroubled reflection, it all rushed back to my head as if I had asked it to.
Uncontrollably I found myself crying out loud, the cries I tried to hush were echoing through the room. Tears blurred my vision, and all I could see was a watery version of everything. The tears gave me no moment to breathe, only through the little gasps for air every now and then. I was desperate to feel numb, to run away from it all.
I reached out for my phone in my back pocket, and without a second thought I dialed Lily's number. It rang for a few seconds before her voice answered with a hello.
"Can you pick me up?" I asked through the sobs that couldn't seem to stop, I was lucky I could even speak.
"Uh, yeah. What's up?" She answered, clearly I could tell from the tone of her voice, she was worried.
"Come pick me up, Lily." I gasped for air as I tried to speak.
"Alright, on my way." And with that, she hung up, leaving me alone with my demons again.
