𝙍𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙚.
The headache from last night started fading away, the killing pulse left behind from all the crying and the smoking of last night was finally finding me worthy of mercy. I took a big glup of the coffee that sat cold in my hand, for too long I'd been looking at the trees outside that I forgot all about the coffee. It felt like every time I blink, I remember something from last night, as if it was printed on my eyelids. I kept imagining the way her body was drawn closer to mine, how she gave up in my arms, but still it didn't feel good remembering. When I pulled her in for a kiss last night I seemed to lose my consciousness, giving up to that monster of a feeling. When she pushed away and looked me in the eye it felt I was slapped back to reality, like waking up to see that I gave in the feeling that I should've ignored.
I didn't talk to her since she woke up, which was a few hours ago. And it was a surprise that she didn't try to start a conversation either, a good surprise I must admit. I didn't feel like talking to her, like standing face to face with her because I knew I'd be dead by the time her eyes meet mine. I couldn't live up to suffer the remorse again, and I knew that it felt good to kiss her, and that I'd want to do it again and we'll never be out of this circle.
Cutting my train of thoughts, she came into the living room and sat right in front of me, without uttering a word. Regardless of her silence, her eyes said much. Anxiety had filled the pair of green eyes that fell on me, and with a tiny smile she made it obvious that she was willing to put out the fire of concern in her. I wasn't ready.
"Hey," She began, and I could already feel the lump in my throat. "Do you have a moment, for a little chat?"
I put the cup of coffee on the coffee table before me, then offered her a little fake smile. "No actually, I was about to go and look for an apartment. Care to join?" My words sounded cold, absolutely not the way I wanted them to be. I jumped onto my feet and fixed my clothes a little in preparation.
"Yeah, sure." She looked up at me with a smile, disappointment gave her voice a tone.
********
It was only the voice of the engine running and the passing cars that could be heard throughout the whole drive, she was dead quiet, looking out of her window without bothering to give a glance at me. Didn't know if I should be thankful for that, or if I should feel too concerned by her abnormal silence. It was her presence that had me struggling to find ease, not that I didn't want her around but I just couldn't help how my eyes would fall on her every once in a while, how I ended up allowing everything from last night back into my head every time I glanced at her.
She leaned back, facing the road ahead of us, with a sigh as her eyes couldn't decide whether to look down at her fingers fidgeting with each other or up at the ceiling of the car. I could see in her eyes words unsaid, and I could see how willing she was to let it out.
"I - I'm sorry." She began, her words trembling out of her lips as her eyes lied on her fingers.
"You don't have anything to apologize for," I replied, avoiding to look at her as much as possible with my eyes fixed on the road. I could feel the muscles curling in a frown on my face. "It's my fault, I should've had some control over myself."
Saying those words made me forcefully remember everything, how it felt to look at her after she pushed away, and how much of a torture it was to actually feel that certain feeling, that certain kind of guilt and certain kind of desire. I couldn't tell what was worse, having an uncontrollable desire to kiss her almost all the time, or the fact that I keep helping that desire grow every time I give into the power of it.
"What did you do to yourself last night?" Her question was abrupt, which cornered me for I didn't know how to really answer it. Her hand reached out to mine on the wheel, and the next thing I felt was the warmth of her palm as she gently squeezed my hands. She had no idea of the consequences her actions would leave behind.
"Nothing, just had a few cigarettes, and fell asleep. What else would I do?" I let out a sigh before I answered, pulling my hand back and resting it on the wheel.
"I'm just too worried about you Renee." Her voice was way much softer, the look in her eyes grew softer too.
"Well you don't have to be." I replied, almost instantly, before shutting the car down. "And we're already here."
I got out of the car, my feet touching the ground beneath them at last, and only a moment after the other door was slammed shut and Theo showed up. The October air hurried to embrace us with a little chilly breeze, as the blinding sunlight had no hesitation to break through my eyes.
After a bit of walking, we were finally at the apartment. The door was already opened, welcoming us in. Inside, it wasn't any dimmer than the outside, sunlight had found its way in. A decent living room was the first to be seen, nothing of a big deal with leather couches put around, and a big bare window that made an entrance for a huge amount of sunlight. To the right was a small kitchen, a very small one that couldn't fit a table.
I scanned the place with a smile, momentarily forgetting about everything. As I made my way further into the apartment, with Theo following behind me, I was welcomed with Lily's figure standing short at the dining table. She hadn't grown any taller than the last time I'd seen her. A wild mess of tiny wood colored curls covered her head, and a perfect body shape with the color of chocolate.
"Damn Renee! When was the last time you cared to visit?"
