𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬

𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴

𝙛𝙚𝙬 𝙙𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙡𝙖𝙩𝙚𝙧

Those little things, the little details she never thought would matter so much, those little things were brushing me off, throwing me away from the peace that I thought I found, taking me to a place in my head I was trying hard to never visit. I was watching her with fire consuming me on the inside. I watched as the little drops of water glided from the ends of her hair, and traced their way down. I couldn't take my eyes off her as she moved, I couldn't seem to capture a breath with my eyes glued on her body, wrapped up in a soft yellow towel, for a moment of time, she was perfect. Soft giggles escaped her lips at some story she was telling, but no matter how hard I tried to blend in with her, to distract myself away from myself, I couldn't. I was endlessly spinning in that circle, the circle my own mind trapped me in.

Up in my head, I stood up, leaving my position on the chair to walk up to her, face to face, with our bodies too close to each other. I held her face, my hand found a settling spot on her cheek, pulling her closer until my lips crashed upon hers. In a rhythmic motion, her lips moved against mine. Then my arm was wrapped around her waist, so slowly pulling her closer until I could feel her body against mine. No distance was left between the two of us, nothing separated us, not even thin air. One moment was finally heavenly, one moment felt like what I needed for a lifetime. Nothing but passion filled the kiss, for once there was no guilt, no desire to stop, for once it felt divine.

I left her moist, soft lips for a breath. My lips caressed the skin of her cheek, smoothly drawing a trail of kisses until I settled on her jaw. One kissed descended me down to her neck. Tenderly, her skin rested in between my lips, so softly I went on planting eager kisses on her neck. A silenced little moan found its way out of her lips as my kisses grew hungrier. Something about her felt so powerful, had enough power within to draw me back to her every time. Something about her made me give into her when I had no will to, something that I failed to figure out, something like never-ending passion fueled me, made the fire of desire in me grow big enough to swallow me whole.

She was an angel in my arms, her skin so soft that I felt like I was kissing rays of light. Almost without knowing it, the towel that covered her body created a little puddle around her feet, and her body stood like a cloud before me.

My lips found their way back to hers, and one more time our lips intertwined, moving in that same blissful rhythm except that this time, it was more energetic, more lustful even. Then as her hands worked their way with my clothes, her lips took the shape of a little smile, with a gentle I love you drifting through the kiss.

"Renee?" She snapped her fingers as she stood before me. There was nothing, I was still seated idle in my chair, and distance lied in between. "Earth to Renee?"

"Yeah?" I spoke, my voice came out shattering and shaking like a child with their candy taken from them.

"Where have you been? You've been sitting like that staring at me for solid ten minutes." She chuckled lowly. "Anyway, can I borrow some clothes from you?"

"Yeah, sure." I replied, still struggling to cope with the fact that it was all just a mere thought, a mere dream. "Excuse me."

I didn't look at her again as I ran outside of the room. Once again I was surrounded by quietness, nothing but silence had a presence, she was nowhere in sight, there was nothing for my mind to run wild imagining anymore. As the bathroom door was locked, everything was shut out for my own sake.

My back touched the door as I sat on the ground. I felt like I was burning on the inside, like a volcano about to hit its explosion. Why was I so desperate for her, the question kept roaming free in my head. Why was she taking over my mind like that, why was it so impossible for me to just stop thinking of her, every time I think I finally survived it, every time I think I got myself something else to think about, I just find myself going back to her, trapped in that same whirlpool of her, and everything about her. She had no idea about what she was doing to me, about the torture I drown in every time my eyes meet hers.

I pulled out a cigarette, and I hoped that when it would burn and when the poison would run through my veins, everything would feel better, or at least, everything would be numb. But as soon as my lungs were filled with that toxic air, everything remained the same, maybe even got worse. There was no way to escape it, there was no way to let her out of my head, even though I didn't want her there.

Before I could comprehend it, sobs made themselves heard. Tears drew their path all the way down to my chin, and my despair was audible in the sobs I attempted to hide. I thought relief would come with a bit of crying, but instead the more I cried, the more painful it got, like scattered all over me. I just wanted to find peace, I just wanted my head to be clear for a second, why was that so fucking hard.