It'd been two hours since I'd last seen Renee run into the room without coming out. Two whole hours of gluing my eyes to the clock with drained patience. An urge filled with worry had me willing to go talk to her, try to make it better for I knew it was all my fault, for I knew I was the cause of it, I made it all way worse. Way too many times I just wanted to go in there and just be with her, say nothing, do nothing, just be somewhere where I can feel her around. But despite all, I stayed where I was, because a part of me knew that being with her won't make anything better for her. Deep inside I kept praying that she'd show up at any moment, but she didn't, and all my wishes went unheard.
It was getting pretty late, clock arms had already declared it after midnight, and with every minute that passed I was getting more concerned. So at last, I decided to go in, just to make sure she was alright because the gut feeling that grew the minute she left was getting the best of me.
In silent steps, I made my way to the room we shared, leaving the living room with Jerrica in it alone to be swallowed by the darkness of the night. With every step that I took, I could feel my heart beating harder than ever that it felt like it was breaking free from my ribcage. Every step that drew closer to the room planted a bit more of fear in me.
After the knob twisted in my hand, the door swung open, revealing Renee's figure curled up on the bed in a position that made her knees touch her chin. Couldn't see her face, for her back was turned to me, but I could see she nearly smoked herself to death. At least five dead cigarettes were abandoned on the floor with an empty cigarette pack. The drawer beside the bed was nothing less than a mess.
I walked into the room, quietly watching my steps, scared to wake her up for I knew that sleep was the only thing holding her together. The cigarettes and the pack rested in my hand as I picked them up, then a moment later the landed in the pin for a new home. On my way I shut the drawer, with my eyes fixed on her figure. The longer I looked at her, the more despise I grew towards myself. After everything she'd done to me, I only ended up getting her in a state like this.
Heavy yet hushed steps took me to the other side of the bed, and I sat there, admiring her for a moment with a whole a lot of feelings taking over me. Guilt had me constantly hating on myself, on the other hand seeing her like that crushed my heart so that only dust remained. A rush of heart overwhelmed my system when my fingers ran through her silk soft golden hair, brushing it off her face. I could see how red and puffy were her eyes, cheeks tinted in red, burnt with the salt her tears had left behind. Her nose wasn't any less red. Her lips were apart, seeking for air, their skin chipped with red spots of chewing here and there. I couldn't look at her lips without recalling how much of a perfect kisser she was, and how heavenly it felt to have her lips moving against mine, to have her body so close to mine. Yet I couldn't look at the marks her state of mind left on her without recalling how I fucked up, without recalling that it was all perfect before I ruined it.
I lied down beside her, desperate for an eye contact to make with her closed eyes. Took her hand by mine, her slim, perfectly long fingers intertwined with mine, providing warmth, and such a feeling of divinity as her soft skin was touching mine. I raised her hand up to my lips, and placed a bunch of quick kisses all over her knuckles.
I wondered if she'd found peace now that she'd fallen asleep, probably not though. The hell she'd been through had her trying all kinds of ways to escape it, smoking, crying and God knows what else before she seeked for comfort in sleep. Sleep was probably only a way to numb it to her, not a way to find peace.
I gave her hand a small squeeze before I shut my eyes, hoping that sleep would wash away all the unbearable guilt that was eating me alive.
