Tom Holland Blurbs

ghost of you (p.p.)

inspired by the song "ghost of you" by 5 seconds of summer

If I can dream long enough,
You'd tell me I'd be just fine
I'll be just fine

Tony shot up out of a dead sleep, scarred fingers knotted in the comforter Pepper must have thrown over him, gripping on to the fabric as tightly as he wished he could have held onto Peter on Titan when he lost him. When the boy with a million quips and stars in his eyes and more bravery than anyone Tony had ever known faded to ash right in front of his eyes.

Every time Tony had the dream, every time he felt the ashes tickling his fingertips as Peter reached for him, every time he heard the teenager's panicked voice pitched higher than he had ever heard it in child-like horror, Tony lost the ability to breathe. During his time in the cave in Afghanistan they had waterboarded him, but Tony secretly thought this was worse. At least when his captors held him under, he knew what was stopping him from breathing: the water. When he was pulled out of a nightmare by a panic attack, it felt like his own body was trying to kill him. Nothing was physically stopping him from simply drawing a breath, he just couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe hecouldn'tbreathehecouldntbreathehecouldntbreathehecouldntbreatheicantbreatheICANTBREATHE

Suddenly, Pepper was there.

"Tony, come on, breathe. Come back to me, you're here. You're here with me and Morgan and Rhodey. Tony, breathe," her voice was soft and steady and so grounding, especially when he was stuck in the stars, watching Peter die in front of him on loop. Her small hands slipped into his own, somehow managing to wriggle in between his palms and the comforter, hers were so warm and soft. Tony could smell his wife's perfume, strawberries and vanilla and her. 

He suddenly sucked in a sharp breath, like he was resurfacing after diving to the bottom of the ocean without an oxygen tank. He was here. Mentally, Tony began reciting the parts of a car engine, the most complicated one he could think of. Eventually, he became more aware of being on the couch in his lab, of Pepper kneeling on the carpet next to him, of her worried expression and the fact that there were tears on both of their faces. 

"'M so sorry, Pep, didn't mean to scare you baby," he whispered, voice sounding hoarse. Had he been screaming? Must have been while he was asleep.

"Tony you don't ever have to apologize for struggling," she said softly, moving to get them each a glass of water.

They were silent for a few minutes, both just reveling in the sound of the other's steady breathing.

"Tony, are you ever going to tell me what exactly happened up there?"

"I don't know if I can, Pep," Tony answered honestly, looking down at the glass in his hands, noting how it too looked like just another thing waiting to be broken by the great Tony Stark.

"Well if that ever changes," Pepper leaned forward and caught Tony's downcast gaze. "I am always here for you. We're going to be okay."

Tony wanted to believe her so badly.

So I drown it out like I always do
Dancing through our house
With the ghost of you
And I chase it down
With a shot of truth
Dancing through our house
With the ghost of you

When the idea of being someone's real and actual role model finally settled with him, Tony quit drinking. He knew that wasn't going to magically make up for every mistake he had ever made, but the sacrifice and effort he had to put in to staying sober when he lived the high profile life that he did was a constant reminder that someone was looking up to him. That Peter Parker was looking up to him. Somehow that boy made Tony think he could actually be worth something.