dream in color, dress In black

1

This story is going to have a lot of chapters

I dress in black, yeah I know. 'Edgey'... but that doesn't mean I don't have colorful dreams.

Honestly I wasn't any bit depressed until people told me I looked like I was. I always denied it but people the more people told me I was the more I started believing them.

I just think black looks good on me. I like bigger clothes because they are more comfortable. Staying home and not going partying is more comfortable too. The pary scene just isnt my thing. The few friends I have are great.

Oliver Sykes and Matty Mullins. They don't bother me for being depressed. I've never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because I've never check. My dad doesn't believe in mental illnesses.

When people started to think I was depressed they stopped hanging out with me. Back then I didn't care, I'm a introvert so it was better. Less people bothered me and invited me places.

However people started to pick on me because, I'm an easy target? I lost petty much all my friends and got enemy. I started to read depressing story's and the more I looked at my life the worse it felt.

The fighting and arguing in my house didn't bother me until I started to see how it was different than other families. I thought all families fought daily and the parent's were strict. But the more I observe the more I see how manipulative my dad is. He's power hungry and controlling.

My mom is depressed. She hides the medicine from everyone but I see how she acts. Sleeps all day, has no motivation. She doesn't hug her family. I dont believe she wanted to be a mother. She doesn't want to be with my dad but she feels like shes trapped.

My two older siblings are stoners. They also are into other stronger drugs.. they make poor life choices and it makes me sad. Am I going to turn out like them? I do smoke weed but I dont think I'd ever do anything stronger.

I've seen both of them have bad trips and tell me bad stories.. but they say it helps and it's good. My sister says if I ever change my mind she could get me some.. I don't think that's a good thing. Sometimes I feel peer pressured but I have managed to get away from it.

I'm 18 years old and honestly I feel like my life completely sucks. I'm just a spectator. I watch my family fall apart. I watch my best friends get their hearts broken over and over. I'm watching everything around me. People making mistakes, bad choices, and all the sadness in the word.

However I do see the good. I see old friends move on from boyfriend's and girlfriend's. They move on from them just like they moved on from me. Because nobody should torture themselves with being around a depressed person.

Even matty is slowly drifting from me. Oli is my bestfriend. He's always has my back. Oli isn't perfect but I admire him. He never gives up on girls even when they don't like him. He's loyal but he's also a fuck boy. No not like a preppy fuck boy, but a guy who enjoys fuc- okay enough about that.

He's been my friend since freshman year but we didn't start actually hanging out and talking until last year. I'm really shy and awkward so even my bestfriends don't know any of my home life or secrets.

I never talk about my feelings or life. All they know is things like my favorite movies and shows. They know I sing but I don't sing for them. The fact just slipped out of my mouth once.

The only thing Oliver knows about my feelings is that I may be depressed because of all the rumors and once while I was high I asked him if his antidepressants helped him. I wanted to know to see if I should be medicated but he said that they didn't so I dropped the subject.

That was a few months ago.  I don't think he told matty or anything. I trust Oliver more than Matty. I'm not sure why but I'm closer to the british guy more than the redhead.

But Matty is fun, we sneak out sometimes and do stupid shit. But I feel like he would judge me if I opened up. Well I think either if them will but I think I'm just paranoid.

"That boy just checked you out," Oli says snapping me out of my thought. I look at Oliver who is looking at someone who was apparently checking me out. When I search for the person I don't see anyone.

"You just missed him," he says and looks back at his phone. Puzzled I look around again. Somebody was checking me out? I look back at Oliver. He's probably just jocking.

Me and Oli are at the mall. We are sitting at a table in the food court. Our food wrappers empty in front of us. All day I was yelled at and it was a really bad day so I decided to go to the mall. Of course not alone so I made Oliver take me.

He doesn't know I had a bad day but it's not like he cares anyways. Oli looks up from his phone. His brown eyes meeting mine. I look away, eye contact is weird. I can't stand it. It makes me feel vulnerable and I don't like that.

He looks at me for a moment longer and then back to his phone. "Wait? A guy was checking me out? Why? Do I look gay?" I ask worried. Nobody knows I'm gay, not even Oli.

I'm ashamed of being gay. The thought of a guy checking me out makes me frown. I don't want guys to like me, I don't want a relationship. Everybody thinks I'm Asexual.

"Yup, that or he was just looking st you but it was lingering," he says trying to make eye contact with me but I look at the table. "You dont look gay but if he's gay then he probably checks out lots of guys even if they aren't gay," he adds.