dream in color, dress In black

18

I feel like I'm dying

By the time I'm at my locker at the end of school I just want to go home. So much anxiety and guilt has been consuming me. I put everything in my locker and shut it. Oli's at his putting his stuff in his.

My stomach turns and I try to ignore it. Am I breathing?  No I'm not, I take a shakey breath. Just as Oliver's done and walking to me somebody walking past makes eye contact with me for a second before saying "go kill yourself faggot," a lot of people hate me but it was calmly down. Until now, they have more fuel.

I watch the guy pass and everything seems to be in slow motion. I should kill myself- "kellin, dont listen to assholes. Come on I'm taking you to my house," Oli says and I'm frozen.

I'm the only thing in slow motion. Slowly we go outside and as soon as I'm out I rush over to the grass and start throwing up. I don't have much to throw up, its mostly just water.

Oliver moves my hair from my face and  I wipe my mouth and stand up straight. "Are you okay?" He asks sadly. Tears brim to my eyes.

"Take me to my place," I whisper and he nods and walks me to his car. He opens the door and helps me in.

The car ride is deadly silent. I don't even have to energy to say bye to Oliver. I quickly go inside and into my bathroom..

-

I don't talk to anyone or go outside of my house all Saturday. I've skipped church already and been ignoring my phone that's been blowing up.

My phone starts to ring, Oliver's calling right now. I click the answer button and put it to my face. I feel dead.. "mm" I hum because I don't have the energy to talk. I haven't ate since Thursday night. At first it was forgetting but since Friday I've been purposely not eating.

"Kellin! What the fuck? Your going to start ignoring everyone!? Even me? Matty even talked to vic because we thought you were talking to him but your not, your just ignoring everyone!?" Oli starts saying in a upset tone.

He's mad at me...

I sniffle and wipe my tears. I've been crying all day. I just want to end my life. This happens a few times a month. I'll stop eating and talking for a few days but I've never been called out on it until now.

"You're crying..?" Oli says softly.

My bed is damp underneath me. After my bath and cutting I got in my bed without drying or cleaning off the blood. I'm just naked and bleeding all over the sheets and blankets I'm currently cuddling too.

"W-why do you care?" I ask crying harder. My throat hurts from all this crying. Theres screaming and doors slamming on my end, I'm sure he can hear it.

"Fuck, you are amazing kellin. I care because you're my friend and an awesome, sweet, nice, pretty, caring person. Why are you upset?" He asks and I look at my phone.

I can't do this anymore. I hang up and cover myself in blankets. Numbness fills my body and I just lay there thinking about every mistake I've ever made.

About 5 or 10 minutes pass and I hear my door open. I don't care who it is. My sobbing has stopped but the sadness will never end. Tears cover my face and wet hair is all over me. My thighs and wrists are still bleeding and getting all over me.

The intruder walks around my bed and pulls the blanket down to my waist, a little lower but not exposing my dick. I don't look at the person I just look at my hand that's a few inches from my face.

I hear a gasp and I realize it as Oli. All my blankets are pulled off and I look at him to see he's looking at my naked body. I'm disgusting.. "kellin, what- why- Oh god," he says and makes me lay on my back.

I'm so numb I'm not even embarrassed. My stomach makes a noise but I just close my eyes. I want to dissapear..

"Kellin why did you do this to yourself?" He says and I open my eyes to see him. He looks.. sad.. disappointed.. a little mad.

Then something I've never seen happen happens. Tears roll down Oliver's face. Oli doesn't cry..

He wipes his face and I weakly grab his hand that's touching my bed. "I'm not worth crying over.." I mumble feeling like I'm using all my energy.

"Dont fucking say that, get up. Your taking a shower," he says pulling me up to standing. Everything goes bright and dark. My knees give out and I start to fall but Oli catches me. Blood loss? Or not eat? I dont know.

"L-let me lay," I mumble trying to stand. He grabs the backs of my thighs and picks me up. Blood gets on his white shirt. He takes me to my bathroom and sets me in the bathtub.

"I'm naked," I say embarrassed.

"I dont care, this is more serious," he says turning on the water and grabbing a cup that I use for water. He fills it up and pours it out onto me. Once all the blood is off he turns off the water.

"I'll be back just stay here," he says giving me a towel. I dry myself the best I can and he comes back a few minutes later without a shirt. He helps me stand and I try to put my towel on but my hands are so shaky and weak I cant.

"Hold on to me," he says taking my towel. I do as he says and he let's go and ties the towel around my waist. He then picks me up bridal style.

He takes me to my room and I see new covers on it. He changed my blankets.. he's so nice.. he sets me down on the edge of my bed. He grabs my hair dryer and starts dying my hair.

When it's mostly dry he stops and then grabs my hand and looks at my wrists. He frowns and shakes his head. "This isn't good. You could die from being so stupid," he says and I look away.

He gets up, "I'll be right back," he says leaving my room. I hear the front door open and close and his car start up. He's tired of me.. he's leaving because he realized I'm just going to drag him down.