Revolution || Lashton AU - boyxboy

t w e n t y - n i n e

SO I ACTUALLY LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS CHAPTER. WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. PRETENTIOUS? MAYBE. DO I GIVE A FUCK? NOPITY NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Also you should totally check out this song, it's called Rise From The Ashes by Quietdrive, and it's like my favorite song in the world and I feel like it kind of suits Ashton. So like, yeah. You should check it out because Quietdrive is fucking awesome.

{Unedited}
Ashton

Isn't it funny how easily you can build something up so strong, only to have it crumble to the ground around you? Even if it's supposed to be strong? Guaranteed, at that?

Even the Titanic was advertised as unsinkable. It was supposed to be the boat to top all boats. The best boat to ever exist. Unsinkable. Indestructible. Irrevocably strong.

But even it fell apart the moment it hit a bump. One wrong calculation, one wrong turn, one mistake - And suddenly it was not longer able to support the hundreds of lives it was responsible for.

And when I was with Luke and Nate the other day, they talked me all up. Advertised me as the unsinkable Ashton. But what happens when I hit the iceberg? What happens when everything I've been advertised as since day one becomes countered by one miscalculation? One mistake, and I'm a goner.

Do you understand the fact that it is literally impossible for a boat to be unsinkable when it has a big gaping hole in its hull? Impossible.

And when we're talking about boats, it's allowed to make sense. "It has a hole in its hull, of course it's going to sink. There's nothing you can do about it then." But not people. If I've got a hole in me, if I've got a hole in my chest right where my heart should be, and I'm thrown into a pool of bullshit, I'm not entitled to sink. Because, "it's not the same".

But you know what? It is the fucking same! We can't all be unsinkable! We are not all indestructible. We are not all strong. We are not all capable of withholding a thousand pounds of complete and utter bullshit.

So surely, a twenty-one year old man struggling his way through college with severe depression and bipolar disorder and intermittent explosive disorder and every disorder in the book, really, who's practically orphaned, with enough problems buried in the darkest pits of his soul to replace all the water in the goddamn ocean, who just got a phone call saying that his fourteen year old sister that he hadn't seen since he was sixteen, has just died of leukemia that he didn't even know she had, should be somewhat eligible to sink.

And so at this point, I could no longer care about what people thought I was entitled to do. I could no longer care that I was supposed to be strong. Because really, how are you supposed to stay afloat when everyone you know is tying weights to your ankles and throwing you overboard?

This freedom to do what I want to do and feel how I want to feel and think what I want to think and act how I want to act was simply a lie told to us from day one due to the expectation that we were all made of diamonds.

I, am not, made of diamonds.

I, am made of nothing but fucking dirt.

I am made of the same dirt that has been trying to bury me beneath the ground since the day I was born into this ugly world.
And that is not something I feel equipped to deal with.

Because suddenly, my version of the iceberg was the fact that I totally abandoned my brother and sister. I ran away from the problem like the fucking chicken shit I am. Sure, as soon as I was a good distance from my father's house I called Child Protective Services on him, but why? Why didn't I take them with me? Why did I abandon them? Why did I leave them with the thought that they were going to be stuck with that filthy bastard for the rest of their lives?