Revolution || Lashton AU - boyxboy

t h i r t y - t h r e e

So I'm not sure whether it's good or not, but here you go. (Also this chapter talks about suicide for a few paragraphs so if that's triggering at all, don't read it, I'd hate to trigger anyone.)

{Unedited}

Ashton

It wasn't long after Luke and I had that scene, that I was kicked out of the bar without a second glance. It'd taken them long enough to realize something was going down. You would've thought they'd have cared while I was beating Avery's face in, not after.

I don't know why, really, but for some reason I guess I expected Luke to leave with me. Follow behind. But he didn't. I was practically thrown out by some giant security guard and Luke just shot me this kind of sad gaze and nodded me off, before turning his back on me.

Literally and metaphorically, really.

And it didn't feel great, I admit.

So I just kind of shrugged it off like it was no big deal so that he wouldn't think anything of it but really, it was a big deal. A huge deal. And I didn't really know why it was such a big deal. But it was. And I didn't like feeling this way.

My heart was all sunken to where my stomach should've been but my stomach was sunken even further than my heart. And I felt sick, like I might throw up. And my head was throbbing quite a bit and my eyes burned and I felt like I was suffocating and I could barely even breathe.

But I didn't want Luke to see me like that, so I shrugged him off and walked back to my car, and sped off out of the parking lot. Today had been a long day and I kind of just wanted to sleep, because I wanted to dream all the hurt away. 'Cause I was tired of hurting today.

And so the whole way back to the dorms I clasped the steering wheel very tightly, like I were holding onto it for dear life. And I had to chew on the insides of my cheeks to keep myself from falling apart, and it was a very horrible feeling, and I didn't like feeling it.

That was kind of something I'd noticed that'd come along with Luke. One of the consequences, I'd call it, really. He makes me feel things. And, like, I didn't really feel a lot of feelings before him. But he didn't only expose me to good feelings, you know. He makes me feel like total shit sometimes.

I didn't like to feel like shit.

I liked it better when he makes me feel good. I liked to feel my lungs fill to the brim with oxygen and that grin so big it hurts the apples of my cheeks. And I liked to feel the fluttering in my stomach and my chest and I liked when he makes me feel warm. Like, warm on the inside. I liked the good feelings.

I didn't like to feel my heart and my stomach sink. And I didn't like it when I felt like there was a big gaping hole in my chest, and I especially didn't like it when my lip trembled and my eyes stung, because I hated crying. But I hated the thought that it was his fault even more.

I liked it better when he made me feel okay.

Which he hadn't been doing too much of lately.

Which is why I went back to the dorm. I needed to fall into a dark abyss that took the pain away for a few hours.

Nate wasn't there, again. I didn't really see much of him these days. I don't know why, really. I think maybe he just doesn't want to see me anymore. Not that I can blame him, really, because I haven't quite been myself lately, I don't think.

But I also don't know if that's my fault. I don't think I was ever a solid person to begin with.

Anyways, I threw myself down onto my bed and didn't even bother changing my clothes or anything. I just pulled the covers over my head and burried my face in my pillow until I passed out, because I wanted nothing more than to not feel right now.