Revolution || Lashton AU - boyxboy

t w e n t y - t h r e e

I'm sorry this probably sucks a lot of ass, but here you go beebs.

Luke (!!!)

There aren't words in the dictionary to describe what it is like to one day be watching The Notebook and eating Chinese food and cuddling and giggling and joking with Ashton, only to knock on his door the next day expecting to repeat the cycle and have Nate answer and tell me I have to leave.

There is no way you can prepare yourself when it comes to seeing Ashton curled up in his bed facing the wall at 5 o'clock at night, while his best friend has messy hair and deep circles under his eyes and looks like he hasn't slept in days.

There is no way to recover after hearing the words, "Ashton doesn't want to see you right now." Only a day after things between us had been better than they'd ever been.

So trying to ask Nate what's wrong and having him shake his head at me vigorously and tell me, "Everything." and, "Look, Luke, now's just not a good time." is bound to leave me a little dumbfounded.

I simply plodded away from the door, dragging my feet down the flight of stairs to my dorm as I tried to fill the sudden, gaping hole in my chest.

I didn't understand.

Everything was fine yesterday. No, not fine, wonderful. Yesterday was one of the best days of my life, and I'd give anything to relive it over and over for the rest of my life. And suddenly, it felt like everything was just a dream. Like, Ashton still hated me and everything that'd happened between us, didn't really.

In other words, I felt like my heart had been literally carved out of my chest.

I just kind of threw myself onto my bed, unable to process any of the previous events because my mind was just blank.

So I sat there on the floor after sliding off the edge of my bed, just staring at the ground because I couldn't bring myself to actually create thoughts or even function as a human being.

And then the dam broke.

And suddenly, I just couldn't even breathe, because suddenly everything was just too much and I couldn't shake the taunting thoughts from my head and I thought I might actually die.

I alternated between hyperventilating and panting as I struggled to find my breath again, because I'd done this a million times over but I could never bring myself to deal with it properly when it came to pass again.

So in this moment my life was a whole jumbled mess of derangement and hyperventilating and tears and thoughts that practically clawed at the walls of my mind from the inside out, and my chest constricted in the most distressing manner I'd ever experienced.

But out of no where, the door flew open and interrupted the thought process of "I'm going to die", and in the most inexplicable way, not even then could I process what was actually happening.

"Luke, fuck!" The voice rang throughout the room, before hands were on my knees and the guy behind the hands was on his knees in front of me with furrowed eyebrows.

My vision was blurred by the tears, so I couldn't exactly bring myself down enough to see his face, but I knew who it was. I knew just by the voice. But despite his presence and despite the part of me, deep, deep down that knew I was going to be alright, I still couldn't find the breath I sought.

"You're gonna be okay, Luke, alright? You're safe here. It's not the place, it's the thought. And the thought can't hurt you." Owen soothed, with his hands clasped lightly on my knees from where he was in front of me.