Revolution || Lashton AU - boyxboy

f o r t y - t h r e e

it's 5:10am and I was listening to this really chill song and I felt like writing this chill chapter.

okay, so it's not that chill given the topic, but I think it's very chill-ly written, and if you listen to the song, you'll probably feel some pretty chill vibes anyways, so check the sidebar [eyes half closed - crywolf].

thus I present to you, a chapter about something I have no experience in written to the best of my abilities.

Luke

I just sat there, both of my legs dangling freely off the side of the building, with all things necessary sitting to my right.

I was seated atop the college building after having snuck past a few teachers and janitors, before picking the lock to the door up to the roof. I'd brought my reward for fucking Daniel alongside my infinite self-loathing, before placing myself freely on the ledge.

I had my needle and lighter and the rest of the assortment on my right side, and my two month's chip and my dignity on my left. One side was the angel, one side was the demon, only, today, I wasn't sure which was which.

I spent a majority of my time gazing off into the horizon, painted with oranges and pinks and blinding yellows, wishing and hoping and praying that maybe when it'd all washed over me it would bring all my problems with it.

I tried to pay no mind to my angel and my demon, though the effort was futile. I tried to drown myself in the sunset but now matter how much of it I tried to breathe in, I couldn't taste anything on my tongue or in my lungs but apathy and one-too-many broken promises.

I picked up my chip in one hand and flipped it around, sliding my thumb over the chipped paint resulted from a lack of care.

And after flipping it around and feeling it and absorbing the feeling right through my skin, I took it between my thumb and forefinger, before flicking it right off into the distance and allowing it to free-fall through the air and plummet to its death.

Instead, I turned back to my left and picked up the contents, emptying the contents from my bag. I opened up the gram bag, and placed a bit of it in the spoon I was holding, before flicking on my lighter and holding it beneath the spoon for a moment or so.

I knew all the while I was doing this what a horrible idea it was, but any efforts to stop myself were fruitless. It was like that part of me was trapped in a cage in my mind and was just clawing away to get out, but everything in my mind that could possibly allow it to even get out was just dead.

I felt dead.

So really, what did it matter if I shot up one more time? What did it matter if I was already rotting away inside, really? Nothing seemed to matter when I was sucking the liquid from the spoon into a needle and preparing for my release.

So I took the little piece of rag and tied it up around my arm tightly, before pressing the needle against the vein in my elbow and sucking in a deep breath, pressing the end down and injecting pure bliss into my bloodstream.

It hit me like a tidal wave at first, having not done it in so long. It was so blissful. I felt like I'd been waiting a thousand years just to feel this feeling again; even the wave of sick that hit me not soon after. I even missed that.

I taped a gauze pad and some first-aid tape over the wound, quickly, before I'd lost myself. I shoved everything back into the bag and tucked it into the interior pocket of my jacket, before laying down on my back with my arms spread wide and a grin chiseling at my features, before I drifted into a blissful nothingness.

I just didn't see the point of staying sober when there was no one around to stay sober.

Thanks to everyone abandoning me, I was free to do with my body what I wanted, and although I felt terrible beforehand, I felt as though my only regret today would've been not going to see Daniel.

I didn't have to stay clean for Ashton or Owen or Nate, for my parents or my brothers, or any of my old friends like Mandy or Josh or Ellie or Jon. None of those people were around to stop me, and I couldn't have been happier about that at this point.

Everything had been spinning a bit, but eventually, the pain inside of me that'd been clawing relentlessly at my insides very quickly began to mean nothing at all. It faded from my system, and although I knew it was simply hovering above my body preparing to reenter me, I couldn't even feel enough of anything to worry about it.

I felt like I were laying on a mountain of clouds or soaring through the air, and everything felt like velvet against my skin. The cool air brushed over my skin and began to rid my body of the beads of sweat everywhere, while my underside had began melting what slush and ice there was still on the roof after it'd been doused in salts.

What'd I'd give to just melt away.

Even after I'd jerked upwards and nearly thrown myself clean off the building just to throw up everywhere, I couldn't help but think how this still felt better than the clawing at my insides. My bliss was still bliss, only with a few side effects. And I was willing to bear with the consequences if it meant a minimal amount of pain.

This felt so much better than being sober-- the weekly NA meetings and the constant not knowing what to do with myself, and the nights I'd wake up shaking or the clawing in my mind just telling me do it again, just do it, just one time.

Giving in was so much easier than fighting the urge.

And this could be applied to any situation, really. Giving into heroin over being sober, giving into Ashton rather than simply saving myself, giving into Danny rather than fighting for my release a different way.

It all just seemed to work out in one way or another-- even if only for a little while.

The shorter moments seemed to have a knack for being better than the longer ones, anyways.

I've never been presented the opportunity to shoot up so, I'm sorry if this sucks. my only experience comes from addicts I've known and breaking bad.

also despite the chill nature of this chapter, I hope it doesn't seem like I'm glamorizing heroin. have you ever seen a heroin addict? because I've seen plenty, and it's not something you want to become, trust me.

and jeez, haven't you seen breaking bad? I mean, spoiler, but Jane dies from that shit. chokes on her own vomit. that's pretty gross. no thank you. 

 ALSO HEY I GOT MY GLASSES ARE THEY CUTE CHECK YES OR NO AND THEN HAND ME BACK THE NOTE