Revolution || Lashton AU - boyxboy

f o r t y - o n e

It's 3:55 in the morning, I haven't slept hardly at all in a few days due to the fact that I finally got the legendary edition of Skyrim, but I took a break to write this update. And perhaps it's because I'm so drunk off of my lack of sleep, but I think it's kind of okay.

(Side note, I posted one of those stupid, inevitable rant books and you should check it out because I'm just an angry little teenage girl with a whole lot to say and no one to say it to.)

Also, a majority of part two is going to be in Luke's POV. So be ready.

Luke

The stars and the moon are always there, but you can't always see them. And when the sun is out, a lot of the time, people just think about how, because the sun is there, the stars and the moon aren't. Like the sun is just there to deprive them of the stars and the moon. 'Cause when you look into the sun, it blinds you. And the stars and the moon don't do that. They don't hurt you. So it's almost like it runs in our blood to crave the moon and all the stars, but because of that, we don't necessarily understand that the stars and the moon never leave, they're just not always accessible, per se. But we spend so much time wishing that we had the stars and the moon and being so angry at the sun for keeping it from us, that we never actually stop and take the time to thank the sun for, in all actuality, keeping us alive.

So say that Ashton is my stars and my moon. And the sun is just everything that he is. The sun is everything from his childhood to his bipolar disorder to his apparent depression that I hadn't ever been aware of, and all of it just seems to deprive me of Ashton. And everything that's screwed him up so bad is what caused this whole damned thing to begin with.

But all because I know Ashton left to get away from these things, I don't bother to think long enough about them to see the light in it all. Because really, if I can dedicate just a fair amount of time to actually thinking about it, I'd realize that Ashton wouldn't even be here if it weren't for all the shit that happened to him.

He ran away when he was sixteen all because of his parents, and decided on a fucking limb to go back to school and go to college. And if he hadn't done any of that; if his dad hadn't driven him 300-something miles away from home; he never would've ended up at this shitty little college in Chicago, and he never would've ended up in that English classroom presenting that dorky little presentation on punk-rock music, and I never would've mouthed off to him, and I never would've gotten to crack him open and see past that tough guy shell, and I never would've gotten away from Vinny, and I never would've come to love him so much I'd feel like if I could only replace oxygen with Ashton, I would survive.

Only, now that he's gone, everything just feels like death. Like, everything is just so empty and I just see the world in black and white now. And everyone I knew through Ashton seems to have lost their spark, and I haven't seen lots of them in ages. And I only wish that Ashton could've realized before he left that you can't just glue something together and then remove the glue. That is not even remotely close to how physics work.

I went to the bar the other day, and Brian wasn't even there. There was some other guy, who I think was the owner. Like, Taylor, or maybe Tyler, or something. I don't remember. He just said that, 'Brian's taking a little time off' and 'don't worry about it too much'. But just because he didn't know, doesn't mean I didn't. I knew he was gone because Ashton was gone.

And when I went to work the other day, I saw Ray cry. And it felt like rubbing alcohol on an open wound. 'Cause all day long he was turning his shoulder at me and not talking much, and his jaw was clenched tight and he looked so cold, and then when I was leaving, he went into his office and he rested his head in his hands at his desk, and I wasn't supposed to see it, but I saw it. I saw him cry and it was really very horrible.

And God, oh God, don't even get me started on Nate. Nate has plummeted face first into oblivion since Ashton took off. I went to see him the other day, a little while after I'd first read the letter, and then proceeded to read it over and over about 37,000 times. And he was drunk off his ass and yelling into his phone, presumably at Ashton. Only, it took a minute or two of wrestling the bottle and the phone away from him to realize that there wasn't even anyone on the phone. Ashton had disconnected his number; Nate was only yelling at the automated voice trying to tell him that that number wasn't available. Then he screamed at me until I left.

It wasn't until I got back to my dorm, empty yet again, due to the lack of Owen's presence for the upteenth time in weeks, that I realized I had yet to cry.

I don't know why I hadn't, really, but I also didn't know why I should cry. Even though there were a billion reasons for any normal person to cry at this point.

No one was talking to me anymore, really. I hadn't even seen Brian yet, in fairness, so it's not like he was necessarily avoiding me. But work had become very uncomfortable, because Ray wouldn't talk to me except to say, 'pass me that ink' or something like that, and I didn't actually know why. And even though Nate didn't really like me that much to begin with, things had only regressed from there. Because I was just so alone, that I would see him in the hall and say hi, or maybe I'd try to sit next to him in class and he'd just move away from me.

I was so lonely.

I'd given up everyone for Ashton.

I'd given up every single one of my friends for someone who'd only come to disappoint me like everyone else.

And I had nobody.

Nobody wanted anything to do with me.

And I felt really terrible.

Because Ashton would still be here if he'd never met me.

Right?

He said in his letter how my original support had essentially fueled his will to leave, so if that never happened, wouldn't he feel obligated to stay? I mean, it's not like I said that with the expectation that Ashton was going to up and leave without even a single goodbye.

I guess by that logic I can understand why no one wants anything to do with me, really. I'm no good for Ashton. People used to this Ashton was no good for me, but they're wrong; I'm no good for Ashton. Because Ashton is Ashton, and he may not look it, but cut him and he bleeds. And I'm too caught up in my own shit to remember that I have to be careful with him. And I feel like all I even did was make him even more unhappy here.

Maybe it's because I told him I love him. I know he said it to me, but he never said it properly. He just said it when he was having a mental breakdown at three o'clock in the morning and could barely even produce coherent words through the insistent sobbing.

And I said it all casual. I said it to him like I meant it. I told him I love him and I said it with the universe in my eyes and all made up of stars and wool sweaters and polaroid pictures, and maybe he didn't want to hear something so delicate. Maybe he didn't actually mean it and hearing it from me freaked him out enough to push him away.

I guess this is why Nate thinks I spend too much time with my head up my own ass. Everyone's collapsing and I'm just sitting here think about me.

I can't blame any of them for turning their shoulders at me; I don't even want anything to do with me.

Ew. I don't know if that was any good, actually.

Anywho, if I can be bothered to break from Skyrim again sometime soon, I will update again soon. And an FYI for part two: It's probably going to break your heart.