Someone I started talking to fifteen days ago, told me,
While laughing at a silly joke I made,
"Hey, you're not an ounce like what they talk about you!"
That's when I got to know they talk about me.
And that's when I realised what they talk about me isn't very top on the list of pleasant things.
That momment,
I thought of all the flaws and faults I have,
And I decided to,
Tune out myself and unplug from this world,
so my presence would suffer none.
And now,
As a consequence,
of the punishment I set to myself,
I became the only person I could talk to,
I was now my only company
but,
Here's the catch,
I'm no best friend of mine.
I'm a scar one hand cut into the other.
I'm a voice drowning out the sound of my own opinions.
I'm a gasoline drum taken for a fire extinguisher by myself,
I fuel the fire within me when I should be one to douse it.
What I mean is, I'm not the kindest to myself.
I haven't felt loathe like the kind I've given to me.
When I talk to me in the mirror, it's as though something possessed my body,
My usually sad eyes look unusually angry.
It's scary.
And so to get away from myself,
I plug back in to the world,
I hinder a little, seeking solace in kind companionship,
I win the battle against all probability
for soon I find a boon in the memory folds of my cell phone.
An accidentally recorded phone call with a friend.
I play the 48 minute recording from 4 months ago.
On the phone call I was still crying out my life to my friend and the theme was STILL the hate,
I gotta let you know what she told me then,
for it is what, shifted the energy in my chest.
She told me,
"LISTEN BITCH,
The amount of the hate from a thousand people combined should be nothing for you, because I love you enough for that love to be stronger than all their hate put together"
I remember these words like my life depends upon them,
because, it does.
these words were why I didn't cry to sleep that night.
these words were why I didn't care
when that boy from the other class called me 'ugly' just because I was passing by.
these words are why I'm happy in this dimension of time.
these words are all my will, right now, to be alive.
And now I realise,
sometimes, all that I need is a gentle reminder of the love I have to remember to be gentle to myself.
[A/N: Please remember that you're loved. Even though, You may not believe it right now. There are people who love you. Let that power guide you towards self love. And if you still think no one's there for you, I am. You're here and you read my work, that makes you eligible for every bit of love I have to give. I love you and I want you to be brave. If there's a life changing new year's resolution you wanna take, please let it be Self love 💜]
