One, two, three, four
It's been twenty minutes since, I reached school
One, two, three, four
Ten, since I arrived for breakfast.
Five, six
The count has grown at twenty three minutes.
Just in case if you're wondering,
This count is for all the,
"Oh, oops I'm sorrys!"
"Please don't mind Mees!"
"I'm weirds.."
Or any other form of mild apologies I give to them each time they pass me.
Seven, eight,
By now,
You must either think I am very very Flawed or you must believe it.
for I've said sorry for the same thing eight times in thirty minutes of this morning.
Nine, ten,
The thing is,
I can't stop this because,
It's who I'm
I can't put this identity into the deep pocket of my bag like I do with my school ID card (So they don't know my birthday is near)
So I do the next best thing,
I apologise for who I am.
Eleven, twelve,
I say sorry to the girl in the bathroom stall next to me
for singing that song 'Heartbeat' a little too loudly.
The lyrics were: oh my heart's on FIIIREEE for your loveee.
The girl says she hates me.
Thirteen, Fourteen,
It's lunch time.
I don't think people I sit with at lunch want me there,
I don't have anywhere else to go.
The next time they bully me on the class WhatsApp group
And my sister finds out.
I don't want her to call that classmate of mine and figure I've been eating alone,
again.
So I just,
Try my best to not be a burden.
I try not to participate in the conversations.
I don't pay any attention to the jokes.
I try to disappear.
As an apology.
Fifteen, sixteen
Can, I go home yet?
It's a lot to take.
I'm sorry I like learning and ask too many questions at once.
I'm sorry if you sit next to me in math class,
I will need and ask for your help with the easiest of problems.
It's because I can't with math - not at all.
I try
I sincerely do.
The thing is, each time I try,
I'm reminded of that time I got the spelling of diameter wrong in fourth grade and the teacher hit me five times on my knuckles with a steel scale.
Or
That time in grade five when that man who was supposed to be my math tutor touched me in the wrong parts each time I got an answer wrong.
He said, it was a punishment.
And I took it.
I'm sorry I get terrified of making mistakes now.
I'm sorry I am fat and my style stinks.
I'm sorry my nose is always inside a book.
I'm sorry I forget I have an obnoxious voice.
I'm sorry I have opinions that counter yours.
I'm sorry, my presence is uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for who I am.
I'm sorry I exist.
But, I swear I'm not alive.
I'm sorry. I really am.
Forgive me, if you can.
Fifty,
It's time to go home.
That's nice.
Because, then I get to be me without owing an apology.
