My Pinterest notifications say I've got good taste,
But nobody likes my suggestions.
I like to think I'm smart.
Sometimes, I realise I am an idiot who doesn't understand anything at all.
I like to think I'm trying to make you understand me when I let you read the most sensitive of my thoughts that I wrote away into poetry.
Sometimes, I know it is just the attention that I want.
Sometimes, I find people only either give me hate or pity.
So I pity myself more.
So I hate myself more.
Then, I think I'm being ungrateful for the love
when I pity and hate myself more,
Guilt trips in,
I blame myself more,
I hate myself more.
Wait, I am being ungrateful again, aren't I?
It becomes a cycle.
Guilt,
Blame,
Hate,
Regret
Guilt,
Blame,
SELF Hate,
Regret.
Regret is the most terrifying thing I know
and I know fear.
Regret is my name.
I'm regretfully regretting regret all the time.
Sometimes, I don't know why I think something.
Sometimes, I don't know why l do something.
Sometimes, I don't know why I say something.
Sometimes, I don't know why I cry over nothing.
Sometimes, I think I do it all for attention.
Off track but,
Sometimes, I think I am not that bad as a person.
Sometimes, I know I am the worst person.
Sometimes,
the aunty next door seems to get that I'm sad.
Those times,
my family doesn't seem to get that at all.
Sometimes, people at school ask me why I'm so energetic in the morning.
Those evenings, my mother asks me why I lock myself in my room with all the lights doomed like I were dying.
Sometimes I think I'm dying.
Sometimes I realise I'm alive.
What I am saying is,
Sometimes I think I am a fake person.
Sometimes I think I don't know who I am anymore.
I don't know,
who I am anymore.
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I'm sorry for such a poem on Jan 1. Y'all deserve better.
