Alone Awaken

Chapter 6: Remi

I stand under this amazing work of nature with my eyes close and my head tilt up towards the Willow's massive branches. I listen to the bark creak and the wind blow in its leaves. I hear the gusts move and swirl. I smell the crisp air. It smells cool and warm at the same time. I place my hand on my chest and feel my breast raise and lower. I feel my heartbeat calm and slow. This is why I come here. The serenity helps me feel what others can't give me. I choose them not to give me. I don't deserve others love, hope or happiness.

My freshmen year at Fredonia, I knew no one. I was content that way. That meant that no one knew about me or my past. I knew I could just continue my life without interference. But as the semester moved forward, I kept thinking about my past. I couldn't focus on my assignments. The music helped me, but it just wasn't enough. I needed something more. What more was, I had no idea. So I left my dorm without my phone and walked. I kept walking with no plan in my mind. I kept walking and walking until I found this place on accident. It's as if nature sensed my pain and wanted to help. A force that brought me here because it knew I needed it. I took this place in and I let it fill me. It gave me what I needed to keep going in this life I chose to live. After that day, I could move forward.

I open my eyes and see specs of light dance through the vines. I lower my hand and look to my right. Colton stands with his eyes close and hands to his side. He's letting it in.

I can't help but watch him. My head tilts to the left in observation. I wonder why he feels the need to get to know me. When he straight up told me that.. I just couldn't believe the honesty in it. We just met literally 3 hours ago and here he is, in a place I come to when I need something more.

How long is he going to stand there? I wave my hand in front of his face. Nothing. Not even a flinch. I shrug in acceptance and walk to the base of the Willow tree. I find the perfect nook between two roots and sit down on the cool grass. I wiggle my hips back towards the tree and lean into the century-old bark. I sigh and wait.

Colton opens his eyes and looks to his left. He spins comically in a circle to see where I went. He zeros in on me and smiles while shaking his head at the ground. Have I annoyed him enough yet? I awkwardly wave with innocence at him. He continues towards me and pushes his hands into his pockets. His jeans tighten in the process and something catches in my breath. Fuck, did he hear me?

"You're one-of-a-kind Remi." He sits down to the left of me on the other side of the tree root. He leans back and I see his muscles contract in his hands. He has such strong hands. I think back to when he touched my face. They felt rough, but at home against my skin. They're the kind of hands that really hold you. He inhales and his chest rises.

"So, how did you find this place?" He asks while looking into the distance.

"I don't know, I'd like to think it found me." I lace my fingers and rest them on my lap with my legs crossed and stretched.

Colton's bottom lip sticks out and shakes his head in acceptance of my answer. He looks at me and stares into my eyes. He's the only one that's actually looked into my eyes and held my gaze without looking away. Strangers look away because of my dark appearance. People back home look away because of what happened, because of my past. I know they can never forgive, that's why they look away.

"What are you thinking about?" Colton asks with softness. I look back at him and he's waiting. He's so patient, he's not forcing the question.

I pick at a piece of grass and bring it into my lap. I wrap the grass blade around my index finger then unwrap it. I continue this motion while I contemplate what to say. I can't let him in, I don't want him to know about me. But he won't leave me alone. I was unwelcoming and unfriendly since our encounter and it hasn't worked. Is this the universe telling me something. That maybe the last four years have been long enough to punish myself? Why the fuck would you think that?! What happened is unforgivable! You deserve nothing but loneliness.