Alone Awaken

Chapter 17: Remi

The music room doesn't feel as claustrophobic as it has been in the past. The room seems lighter and warmer too. The last week has been significantly colder than last Saturday. Which made today's look easy to put together. Boots, leggings, sherpa sweatshirt and done!

Colton kept his promise and reserved a room for us and here I am. Sitting in front of the piano and the computer ready to record. It's like it was last week, but somethings different. This past week I've kept myself busy finding anthems, ballads and mashups of every genre. I've smiled, I've laughed, I even shed a tear without realizing it. I was listening to Lewis Capaldi "someone you loved" and I felt the pain in his voice. The love he had for someone and poof, gone. I couldn't help but relate. I hadn't cried since high school and I thought I was done with it. Dried up. Nothing left to give. And that song proved me wrong. That maybe, somehow there's something left inside of me after all.

With this small flicker of hope, I started to play. My fingers walked, trilling up to the higher octaves. My right hand moved up then down, then up again. It was upbeat, it was soothing, it made me happy. Stop.

My fingers froze on the last note. The sound faded away into silence and I lifted my hands off the keys. I rest my elbows on top of the piano and lean into my hands. I'm conflicted with my own emotions and I can't help but feel guilty for being happy.

With this thought, I gather my hair and tie it up into a ponytail. My hair is extra wavy today due to my lack of brushing. Some days I just can't manifest the strength to fight the knots that randomly appear in my hair. I swear there's a Keebler elf making nests on purpose to hide his crackers in. Sigh.

I look down at the keys and I press my index finger on the black key. I tap it rhythmically, at a slow constant beat. Then I move to the white key. Before I know it, I'm moving down the left side of the piano. Random chords of sad tones are playing. Then suddenly I jump back up to the higher chords. Back and forth. My own battle between my happiness and sadness is playing out right in front of me. It's as if the two are conversing through music. When one melody speaks, the other retaliates. I'm doing this, I'm doing this to myself. You need to stop fighting with yourself, you need to choose. You need to stop.

I retract my hands instantly. I grab my own hands and rub them together as if I touched something hot. I breathe out not realizing I was holding my breath.

I pinch the bridge of my nose.

I honestly don't know what to feel. How to even deal with these emotions battling within me. It's like I have a devil and an angel fighting to snuff out one another. Wow, I'm going crazy.

I lower the black box over the keys and ex-out of the music app on the computer. There's a knock on the door and I look at the time 2:00pm.

Colton is right on time.

I slump over and reach for the door knob and pull it open while still sitting on my stool.

Colton's face lights up when his eyes meet mine. Suddenly, I don't feel so conflicted anymore.

"Hey." Colton walks in smiling. "Our first session, pretty cool eh?" He winks at me.

"Oh yeah, super cool." I slide my stool over so he could sit next to me. Colton grabs a stool and lowers it so his knees aren't hitting the piano. He reminds me of a big kid trying to play on his toy piano. Like that Charlie Brown character. Fuck, what was that kids name?

"What are you thinking about?" Colton breaks my wandering mind.

"I was trying to remember who that kid from Charlie Brown was, uh the one that played the piano? Ahhhh it's bothering me!" I snap my fingers, as if the motion will manifest the name for me.