Alone Awaken

Chapter 32: Remi

"Mom can we hurry up please, I need to get back before Colton gets to the house." I'm standing impatiently with my arms crossed across my waist hugging myself at the grocery store as mom decides between a can of chili mix with beans or one without beans.

"You didn't have to come with me." She says to me as she keeps staring at the price difference between the cans. She puts one back and places the chosen one in the cart and looks at me waiting for a response. I roll my eyes.

"Sorry-I did want to come I just.. Colton said he was on his way to get me and I just want to be there." Colton planned on picking me up for a little outing, but his last minute "change of plans" didn't sit well in my stomach being 15 minutes away from my house. I can't have him coming into the house, just not yet.

"Well we're done now, ok?" She pushes the cart forward, quietly annoyed with me. Fuck, I hate when I upset her. It's easier to just not be home, that way I don't give her a chance to be disappointed in the last child she has.

I breathe out and catch up to her pace and wrap my arm around hers so our elbows are linked. She gently pats my hand looking away. My mom needs affection, she needs me to show her I love her because half the time I don't say it. I should say it more often.

Minutes away from home my phone rings and Colton's face appears on my screen winking at me. I press accept.

"Hey you on your way now?"

"Oh, no I'm here now. I was calling for you to come out like you asked."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"Wait-what-don't-go-inside-" I frantically barf out words desperately asking him not to go inside. Begging to stay in the car.

"Yeah, sure, I can wait. But your dad.. well I'm assuming this man waving at me is your dad-"

"Ignore him! Ahhhhh sorry, just stay in the car please." I look over at my mom who's looking back and forth between the road and my conversation concerned with what's happening.

"Remi no I can't be rude to your dad.. that's your father. He'll put a shotgun up my ass if I don't introduce myself."

"How'd you know about his shotgun?"

"What?!" Colton's voice goes up an octave. "I was kidding-does he really have one-Remi just get her quick k babe?"

I hear the phone disconnect on the other side. Did he just hang up on me? Oooooooh he's getting bitched at tonight.

"Honey, you ok? Is your boyfriend not coming over anymore?" She puts the blinker on to turn down our neighborhood.

I sit in silence, we're still a couple minutes away. God please, don't have my dad say anything. Please don't tell Colton about him. Don't go in his room. Please I can't face this. I thought I could face it, face it with Colton. Face the part of me I've kept so far away from the light that it just follows me in my shadow.

I see Colton's car in the distance at the end of the driveway and he's not in it. Fuck.

Mom turns in and I open the SUV door without it stopping. My boots hit the dirt, the rubber bends as my toes curl and push off the unbalanced ground. I don't bother shutting the door before I dodge the cars in the driveway feeling my hair whip behind me in the wind I create. Two steps up the concrete slabs with stomps escaping my boots and I swing the door open and see no one. My heart begins to palpitate and realization dawns on me and I look towards the hallway. "No." I whisper under my breathe. I race to the hallway and stop in front of my bedroom door and feel the daylight shine from the bedroom window on my left. I close my eyes and feel the warmth I haven't felt in years. My skin prickles and the hairs stand on end and all I can do is wrap my arms around my waist and slowly turn towards the shadow that's been awaken.

"Remi?" I hear him say. I open my eyes, water soaked and I see his silhouette reaching towards me. A hand outstretched to give me support and be there for me like he always was. Just as tall as I remember-I blink and he's gone. Colton's in front of me instead.

"Remi are you ok? What's wrong?" His brows furrowed and he's worried. I look beyond him and my dads there with his hands in his pockets. He knows I never told Colton. He knows I still denied my past. I know he thought I accepted everything by bringing Colton here. But clearly, he was wrong. He looks away out the window. Too upset at me. I glance back at Colton.

"Come with me." I say under my breathe. "There's something I have to show you."

Colton nods without speaking. He looks over his shoulder to say goodbye to my father but notices he's turned away from us. He turns back to me and lets me take the lead.

The leaves have all fallen at the cemetery. Aisles and aisles of granite reflect the autumn sun. A reflection of the past and those who once graced our presence. The car ride was quick as always. Our hometown church was only up north from our house. It was easy to walk here everyday and hate myself on the journey back home. I haven't been here since I left for college and the last thing I expected would to return with someone I loved. To show them the love I lost.

I turn off the car engine and we sit in silence for a second. I breathe in filling my chest with air and slowly release the fear of judgement when Colton finally hears where my depression came from. I turn to him and see his eyes are glistened, his forehead wrinkles with worry and all he wants is for me to speak. The waiting is killing him.

"I lost someone I... I loved." I look out to his tombstone and see the bouquet of flowers gracing his grave that my mother places there every time the last one dies. I turn back to Colton. "I killed my brother."