Alone Awaken

Chapter 42: Colton

The snow crunches beneath my feet as I walk the path from the wolves sanctuary towards the penguins. The zoo was always dead during the winter time but it's a shame because that's when the animals are the happiest. To feel the coldness breathe through their fur and bask in the cool winter sun. For me, It's the only place I've felt anything. I was going to bring her here Christmas Eve. I was going to book her time to actually meet the otters. Play with them and feed them. She would have loved it. She would have fucking loved it. I keep walking until I see the splash and hear the water slump to the side of the glass window of the sea lions. I walk down to the concrete benches covered with a dusting of snow and lower myself to sit in the cold. This feels right. Cold and alone.

At home, I'm just reminded of her smiling and laughing. I can't sleep because all I see is her. I can't even eat. All the motions of life seem pointless without her doing them with me. My father tells me to get over her, there's more girls in this world. My mother says she'll come back around, just give her time. Jess though, she's the honest one. "You've fucked up" was her approach. But she says mom is right, give Remi time. But all this time has felt like a century and I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

It's been 3 weeks since I heard her voice. Since I saw her back move further away from me past the green vines that once enclose us in happiness. I don't remember how long I sat there with my hands in my face crying. I fucked up and she left me. Nothing I said helped, it only made it worse. Everything I did to create this love shattered the moment I stepped out on that stage. I know I should have told her and I wanted to. God knows how much I wanted to but I couldn't. I was afraid like a fucking pussy. I was too scared to lose her that I ultimately pushed away. She trusted me with everything and I failed her. I never deserved her or her love. I was selfish to try and keep her and cocky enough to think I fixed her. She was right. Everything she said was right. Fuck.

I've done everything she asked. I didn't speak to her or try to call. I did nothing. Hoping that doing what she asked was a way of showing her I was trying as half ass backwards as it sounds. I hope she doesn't forget about us, our love or me.

My heart starts to ache thinking about the idea of her forgetting me. A tear stings against my cold cheek and I wipe it away quickly. I've must have been out here for hours to be so cold. You deserve that sting. Yeah I do.

My hands feel numb and I can barely feel the bend of my fingers in my left hand. I know I should head home or at least get in my car to warm up. But I don't. Whats the point? Only Remi's honey and warmth could fix me. I lay down on my side against the snow and slowly drift into nothing.