caught up ; mattia polibio

✰ chapter 39 ✰

song of the chapter- malibu nights by lany

mattia's pov

it's 2:16 in the morning. i miss deja. but not in that way, i don't know what it is to be honest. it's a super weird feeling.

Snapchat
me: deja
me: i need to see you

i'm not sure where we were going to go but i just wanted to sit and talk. nothing sexual, nothing romantic, just wanted to be in her presence.

Snapchat
dream girl ⛅️💛 is typing...
from dream girl ⛅️💛

haven't changed that yet. i'm taking baby steps i just don't have the heart to do it.

Snapchat
dream girl ⛅️💛: why
me: idk i just do
dream girl ⛅️💛: if you can pick me up we can just chill in a parking lot somewhere ig
dream girl ⛅️💛: no bad intentions.
me: i just wanna see you that's all

i grabbed the keys off the kitchen island as quiet as i could and snuck out the door still trying to stay almost silent. i started the car hoping nobody inside the house could hear and started towards deja's. i was so fucking nervous to see her. i haven't talked to her in person since formal and that was a little over a month ago.

i took a deep breath as i stopped my car in her driveway. i texted her to come out and soon enough she was walking out the door. she had on a hoodie of alejandro's, sweats, and uggs; obviously just threw on whatever because she didn't care. she opened the passenger seat door, "it's freezing outside." i laughed.

the drive to the mall parking lot was silent except low music i had playing. i pulled in and parked in a random spot. we sat there for awhile. i decided to break the silence, "soooo hows everything?" she nodded a bit, "really good. i've been happy, me and ale are good, my family's going to LA soon. everything's fine." i told her i've been pretty okay too and that not much has really happened. i did explain the conversation me and kairi had about living for myself finally and deja said how proud she was of me. the conversation died again for a bit.

i turned to look at her, "deja," i paused. "i'm still in love with you. and it's not gonna stop. i haven't even talked to you in how long and every feeling has stayed this entire time. there's nobody i'd rather be doing this with right now. i went out with naomi and felt nothing, i've tried talking to so many girls and just nothing... i just don't understand why the one girl i wanna be with so bad is dating my best friend. you want nothing to do with me now and that sucks. i'm so happy for you and ale, i always have been but sitting in the background for the past month has been awful deja it really has." i choked back tears. "you're my favorite person in the universe dude. i don't think you get that. i'm really enjoying living for myself but you're always a thought in the back of my head." she sighed. "listen mattia, i just can't do it anymore," she looked out the window. "i feel so guilty every time. i feel it now and we're not even doing anything!"

i nodded. i understood, i really did, it just hurt. i continued, "i know deja, i just..." i was tearing up even more, "...i want to be with you more than words could ever explain. you're beautiful, you're smart, you can actually make me laugh, you're every thing i want." tears were falling down my cheeks at this point. i shut my eyes and took a breath in, "deja you're perfect."

it was very obvious she didn't know what to say. deja just sat and looked at me for awhile. she was upset too i knew it. i started talking again, "maybe there WILL be a time for us. some force up there obviously wants us together because if it didn't we wouldn't keep going back to each other. if we weren't meant to for fuck's sake deja you wouldn't be here with me right now, it's 3 in the morning dude. and look who you're with. me. not alejandro. me, mattia. in an empty mall parking lot." the same guilty look she gets every time we do anything together went across her face almost like it was on queue.

she took a couple moments to collect her thoughts, i can see the gears turning in your head, figuring out whatever she wanted to say next. "mattia, this isn't the future. this is now. NOW i'm with alejandro and i will be for awhile. i know i promised him forever," she looked down at her ring. "but i don't think i can do that anymore. it sucks but it's reality. i can't promise him anything, i for sure can't promise you anything, and so on. i love him and want to stay in our relationship but the promises and shit is just getting old. i feel awful, i feel so guilty, but i'm so scared right now. i can't hurt him, i can't keep hurting you. i just wanna go to LA as soon as i possibly can..." her voice trailed off and she looked at the window.

deja was avoiding any eye contact with me but i know when she's about to cry. she looked back at me tears falling from her eyes, "i love you don't get me wrong but right now isn't our time. i don't know if it'll ever be our time either but i do feel so much for you. it's the worst feeling in the world to sit and know i've been with alejandro for just about 2 years and 9 fucking months and i'm thinking of other people. he doesn't think like this about anyone else i know that for a fact. i hate myself." by the end of her sentence deja was sobbing her eyes out. i pulled her into a hug and tried to calm her down.

moments like this are the ones i want forever. i want deja to fall asleep in my arms, i want to have these long talks with her all the time, i want everything i do to be with deja. i couldn't do it anymore though. i needed to live for me. now that i knew what she wanted and that was clear i decided not to reach out to deja the way i was before. i can't fein to talk to somebody who doesn't even know what she wants. after another silent car ride i dropped her back home. she got out without even saying goodbye or anything. i drove home bitter, upset, but also relieved. i snuck back into my house the same way i left, as quiet as possible. i walked down my stairs and laid down in bed. i wish deja was here to spend the rest of the night with me, but thinking things like that will emotionally kill me, and all i'm trying to do right now is stay alive.

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woahhh a lot just happened lol. this book has been flopping so hard lately. my reads and votes are so low. but, i'm so thankful for all the dedicated readers <3 i love reading your comments. make sure to drop your snapchat if you wanna be in the caught up gc!!