caught up ; mattia polibio

✰ chapter 45 ✰

song for chapter 45- first take by travis scott ft bryson tiller

alejandro's pov

the feeling of missing deja was overwhelming me. we weren't broken up, but the break was still going on. we've talked which is good but we haven't hung out outside since this whole of school since this whole thing started. it broke my heart because she just seemed so free without me. she's gone to parties, been with the girls every weekend, and just has been having the time of her life. sure, i was happy for her but so much time i spent alone was taken up by missing her like crazy.

i couldn't sit and be alone without thinking about her every second. even last week when my exams should've been my priority, all that was on my mind was her. luckily, i passed everything and could still make my way to jersey city next week. the fact that it was next week boggles my mind. the whole experience seems so surreal still. i'm going to miss home more than i can even imagine and process. but, i'll be living my dream finally. i'm soccer will take my mind off the stress of the continuous conflict with deja. at this point, i've truly been wondering if this whole thing could be solved by us ending everything. that's not the right way to think though. giving up would not solve a thing and i'd end up missing her even more.

i went outside to brush up on some skills before i left in my backyard. i just kept taking shots into the goal over and over, working on my form. every kick got more or more aggressive. every single emotion i felt was being put into this practice right now. all the anger, hurt, sadness, pain was going into each and every kick to the ball.

i loved deja and i was just so upset that this is what she wanted for us after everything. she said the break would be short but the fact that she wanted to take one in the first place weighs on me everyday. what could i be doing? am i not making her happy anymore? is she bored of me? does she like someone else? my heart has done nothing but ache and heads done nothing but question everything at a million miles a minute since the whole situation started. not once in my whole time knowing her have i ever been this pissed at deja. i was so mad because i loved her, nothing else. i have a really big problem with getting upset and blaming myself when i can't get exactly what i want when i want it. it's immature, but that's me.

i left my ball outside and went inside to shower. i turned it on hot, put on a playlist, and literally just stood there. they always say that when people are lonely they become extremely vulnerable while in a hot shower and i understood that now. the warmth of the water reminded me of how deja makes me feel. since the moment i figured out i liked her i knew i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. it was kind of pathetic really thinking about it but that was one of my many goals and i figure it'll stay up there on the list until i make it happen. if, that is, i make it happen. but i don't want to think like that. "if" is such an awful and inconsistent word. i like to think of my goals as "when" they occur, not "if" they do.

i got out and put a towel around my waist. i strongly fought the urge to text deja. my phone screen and i had a staring contest before i finally did it.

Snapchat 
me: you still love me right 
deja 💛: ofc alejandro. why wouldn't i
me: just making sure. i miss you
deja 💛: i miss you too ale. but this break is what we need
me: ik baby :/
(opened 5 min ago)

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