Decalcomania

pt2

You know, I'm tired as hell, weary with the burden of long-closed eyes, I could have easily pulled off being a walking zombie, dead on the inside but subconsciously awake. I sometimes feel as though energy is being constantly drained out of me, as though I'm leaking electricity. It feels horrible, but not as horrible as it gets when he tries to wake up. I can never allow him to wake up in this condition. he is too fragile to deal with any of this, especially the memories inside our head. I want nothing but protecting him, just like I have been doing for the past ten years.

I do remember the day I took light for the first time, it was not a pleasant way to wake up, and not a pleasant thing to remember either. Let me take you back there, the day when I opened my eyes to the sight of darkness, surrounding me all around and preventing me from seeing anything, my palms were sweaty and the adrenaline coursing through my system was shutting down my ability to think logically. I stayed right where I was. freezing was the best choice, I was stuck in the grip of silent panic, wild eyes, pupils dilated, heart racing and brain synapses firing like a hyped up internal aurora borealis. It was all new to me, the different combination of emotions, the sensations of the body and the opportunity of existence.

I found myself in the hallway closet of the juvenile detention center, snuggling into my own small body. I didn't like the way my body looked, it was bruised in the most horrible ways, the wounds were fresh still, bleeding nonstop. It wasn't too long when I realized that he did this to us, he cut himself out of sorrow, anger and frustration. I couldn't really remember what happened to him, because I was new, but I knew, it was him who brought me to life, to protect him, to save him from the evil whole of this world. "who am I?" was the first thing that came to my mind at that very moment, but then I learned who I was, through their words and actions. And I definitely vowed to take it from then, to protect him.

And just then, the closet became my only escape in that place, I'd sit on the floor with a pillow and process everything they say or do, mostly trying to take it as motive to protect us. Sleep was never an option to me, I had no trust in them and what they would do if they caught me unconscious. Hours would go by until I'd hear them ask "Where's Alvin?" Sometimes I'd respond and other times I'd stay silent to be left alone or to see if they cared enough to keep looking for me. Stupid of me, why would they care?

The closet was a place where I found peace. It was a place where I could hide from judgment, ridicule, rejection and those nonhuman bullies. A lot of children are victims of circumstances resulting from the inhuman acts or emotional frailty of adults, and like me, these kids grow up with a secret place. A place they can identify as their own and a peaceful place where they can try to make sense of their emotions and experiences. The thing about me is that I worked to drain my body from every drop of emotions, I didn't want to have them at all, they were the reason we ended up here in the first place, if it wasn't for his poor faith on his mother, we wouldn't end up in this hostile place.

Days swung by, and I was no longer the weak kid who endures the pain and cry on the closet, calling for her, the mother. I was then, the kid who shoots fire with every glance he throws, nobody ever bullied me since, they were afraid of me and that was when the peak of my ego took place. The one night I enjoy to remember was the night I caught that wicked man's neck on my hands and sliced his skin gracefully, Oh, the scene was too delightful.

I was declared after, to be mentally disabled or unstable. and the asylum became my next destination. Well, it wasn't as bad as I expected, it was more like a house to me, not a home but a house. I had my personal space in my dark room, where I can freely enjoy the presence of my demons and heavy thoughts. The serum too, was my heavenly liquid of peace, it would numb every inch of my brain and my body.

She, in the other hand, liked me the moment our eyes locked. Leyla, lost all her senses for me, like I was some type of spell that sneaked under her skin. She wanted to own me, my body and my damaged head, and that's what she did, indeed. My body was all hers, to use, to scar with her dirty nails, you can say that I did participate in my own sexual abuse because I was too young to know what I was doing. At that time, I did whatever she asked me to do. It was only after I came to understand what it meant and that what I did with her was a sexual act, that it started to bother me. I can't share it with anyone because I am afraid people are going to say 'but you participated in it, so it shouldn't bother you'. But it does, bother me sometimes, and amuse me other times.

Hours turned to days, weeks, months and years, I can't tell how long has it been but I'm sure it took most of my lifetime, I don't remember how old is he, or I am. All I do remember is that his name is Alvin, and so am I. I can't tell whether I'm real or no, maybe I'm just an alter, maybe I'm the now owner of the body, but I'm sure waking him up is never an option to take. First, I thought I was protecting him, but now, I see it more like I want to take control and live.

Everything was going fine, at least that's what I can say, until that girl appeared. I hated her the moment her pupil fell on me, the way she looked at me, the way she smiled genuinely when she sees me and mostly, the way she fairly touches my skin. It disgusted me, more than anything. Nobody can ever be this gentle, not in our world, not in my world. I knew she wanted something from me, after all, everything has a price and I wasn't the type of person that would pay or ask for anything.

My worries about her were right, she did trigger me, triggered my existence that night when he, for the first time in years, woke up. I don't know what was the thing she said or did that made him wake up, but he was fully awake and aware of his surroundings, and I was no more there, I could only feel myself detaching from the body, it terrified me.

"Time to play" Stephan said, he was standing next to my bed and glaring at me. he must have entered the room when I was lost on my thoughts. I smirked a little and sat up "should have knocked on the door at least!" I sarcastically said.

"Your sense of humor is improving, not bad!" he chuckled, "but let's leave the humor aside and let us enjoy a bit!" his tone conveying his thoughts to me. I knew what he meant and that was the part I hated most.

"Take him!" he ordered, and they immediately wrapped their fingers around my arm and pulled me up. they dragged me to that room, the room that was made especially for me, to be experimented and tested like a rat.

I sat on the chair and bit my lower lip, I can't lie but yes, I was scared.

"I heard from Leyla that the insulin shock therapy is not working on you anymore, how come?" he said as he walked to me, slow steps and plastered smirk, I knew what he was doing but I sat still, not making a move and not saying a word. And before I know, I was physically restrained to the chair, my body was completely tied. "Let's try something else then, something we will both enjoy!"

I closed my eyes tight and waited for it to happen, as he slowly approached me, making the fear grow bit by bit. He placed a pulse oximeter on my finger, probably to measure my oxygen levels, and pads on my chest to keep tabs on my heart rate "Electroconvulsive therapy" he said, "but let's do it the old way!"

He put a mouth guard on my mouth and electrodes on the temporal ridges of my head. Stephan pressed a button on the ECT machine, which caused a small amount of electric current to pass through the electrodes to my brain, producing a seizure. I felt my body burning under the electric shocks that I was getting, the pain took over a portion of my brain. I've often prized myself for ignoring pain and just living on regardless, but that just isn't possible right now. It owns me, dominates every thought, and controls every action. Everything felt scolded and, move or not, I was in more pain than I could have ever imagined was possible. A bullet would be a mercy right now.

The pain was increasing in waves, small lulls giving false hope of an end. Each peak robs my ability to speak, sends me crashing to the bare boards. It's as though my blood has become acid, intent of destroying me from the inside out. All I can do is writhe, the occasional whimper escaping to be immediately stopped by the mouth guard. There is no way my brain would survive after this.

It took Stephan few more minutes to finally stop, watching me intensely, though my vision was blurred with my unwanted tears but I could see how much he was enjoying this.

"I've waited way too long to use this on you" he chuckled, his voice wasn't clear to me, my ears were not working properly anymore and his words could no more reach me.

He took off the mouth guard and the rest of the equipments that were previously paced on my body, still his expression was brightened, proud of his achievement.

"You can take him back to his room!" he demanded