Save Me From Myself

To Tell or Not To Tell: Part 1

  I can feel myself being carried. I open my eyes slightly to see Finn. He shushes me and tells me to go back to sleep. I would protest but his body is so warm where it's pressed against me. Then I'm out again.

  Next time I stir, barely awake, is to people talking. I can hear what one of them is saying but only slightly.

  "Hey man."
  "Shh yeah, she's fine. Just tired"
  "I'll lay her down. You pull back the cover."
 
  Then I feel myself be set on top a soft surface. It's a little cold but so comfortable. I'm being covered by something warm.

  The voices are still talking but quieter now. And maybe farther away?

  "Give her time. She was in rough shape when I found her."
  "I honestly don't think her reaction was because of you, well at least not entirely."   
  "You've noticed how distant she is most of the time too. It's like she's hiding."
  "That's something she's gonna have to tell us herself."
   "For her to act that distraught, it's gotta be."

  What are they talking about? Are they talking about me? And who is he talking to? I start to wake up more.

  "Finn?" I'm speaking barely above a whisper.

  "Yeah yeah, I'm here Dan. You're in bed so why don't you go back to sleep." He reassures me quietly.

  "Thank you Finn. Please tell Ryland I'm sorry." I say before snuggling up to the blankets.

  "Sure thing Flash." I hear him say before sleep takes hold of me again.

~~~~~~~~~

  "I know where you are Daniella. You can't hide from me"

  He's coming towards me. No matter how far or fast I run, he's always right behind me. Everywhere I turn he's already ahead of me blocking my path.

  "You don't have to run from me. I love you Daniella."

  I turn in all different directions but everything is blurry. There's no distinct path. No where to go.

  "GOTCHA!"

  "Nooooo-"

~~~~~~~~~

   "-ooooo let go of me! Let go!" I scream

  "Dani! Dani you're alright. You're safe. You're safe." My vision clears and I look over to see Finn sitting next to me on my bed. Concern written all over his face.

  Confused as to what's going on, I slowly begin to feel the sweat. It's soaking my back and my legs. I had another nightmare and I woke him up. Then I realize I didn't just wake Finn. I woke Taylor. Who's standing behind him between our beds.

  "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for waking you guys. Go back to sleep. I'll be alright in a little." I shrink away from them and into myself. Embarrassed for showing them my weakness.

  I always knew it was a possibility Taylor would find out eventually, seeing as he's my roommate and all. But I was hoping it would have been a little further down the road.

  "Dan you can talk to us. We'll listen, no judgements." Finn says quietly. I look between him and Taylor. Taylor slowly nods and comes closer, sitting next to Finn.

  "You don't have to worry about me. Honestly it's not a big deal just a little nightmare." I try to play it off.

  "A little nightmare!-" Taylor raises his voice. I flinch and sink farther into the wall. Hiding my face.

  "-fuck-" calmer now "-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." He finally ends barely above a whisper.

  I lift my face to see his apologetic one. Could I really tell them? I've been here a week. I don't know them very well. Would they understand? Would they judge me? It would be nice to tell someone that wasn't already biased.

  "Umm ok I'll tell you but could I ask something of you guys first?" I wring my hands together. I hope they don't think my request is weird.

  "Yeah anything Dan. Whatever helps." Finn reassures me.

  "Um could we go to-" they lean in, listening "-to the sh..showers?" And then they're eyes go wide and they look at each other. I look at my hands again, not wanting to see the rest of their reaction.

  "Um Dan, I don't-" Finn began but I cut him off.

   "You guys don't have to go in them. Just me. It helps me think. Plus you being on the other side of the curtain and not staring directly at me when I tell you, will help keep my anxiety from sky rocketing." I ramble out before they can interrupt.

  "Alright. If it will help, then why not give it a try?" Taylor speaks up this time. I snap my gaze to him the same time Finn does. He just shruggs.

  "Ok. So then boys or girls showers?" Finn asks.

  "Boys. That way if someone walks in and they see you guys they won't freak out." I suggest.

  "Seems logical to me." agrees Taylor.

  After getting up and out of bed. I grab a towel while Finn and Taylor canvas the hall, making sure no one is out there. Taylor grabs his key and then we're sneaking down to the showers. Trying to be as quiet and as fast as possible.

  Bad thing is they're on the second floor. We get to the junction of the elevator and stairs. Trying to decide which to take. We go for the elevator. It's faster and the ding isn't very loud.

  Once we step in and the door closes, we all let out a breath we'd been holding. Then start to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. As soon as the elevator hits the second floor we're silent again.

  The doors open. Finn pokes his head out, looking both ways down the hall. He turns back to us and gives the thumbs up. We're off again.

  Socked feet sliding on the slick floors. Taylor almost slams right into the wall by the shower but stops himself before he makes contact. We all stare at eachother for a second and then start to laugh. Only laughing harder as we try to hold it back behind our hands.

  I shove Taylor in and then follow behind. Finn checks the halls one last time before shutting the door. The click sobers us up. Because now it's time to be serious.

  I turn to them and they're both watching me. Seeing what I'll do next, whether or not I still want to do this.

  "Dan if you don't want to-" I put my hand up stopping him.

  "It's alright Finn. I'm ready to tell someone that was never biased. That never had a predetermined idea of me and him." I notice how they flinch at the word him.

  "I have to ask one question before we start." They nod in unison. "Do you want my full story or why I reacted the way I did when you kissed me?" I look mainly towards Taylor and he looks almost sad.

  "Um full story" Finn " Full" Taylor

  Then it's decided. Tonight I disclose my deepest secrets, to two people slowly becoming extremely important to me. And I'm terrified.