Save Me From Myself

Alone

  Today is Friday, it's been two weeks since I last spoke to the guys. Two weeks of avoiding them everywhere. Two weeks of hearing the knock at my door and Finns voice asking for me. Two weeks of ignoring Rylands calls and texts.

  Over time the knocks became less frequent, eventually stopping altogether. Wednesday was the last time Finn came to my door. He didn't knock, didn't call for me. I only knew he was there because I was sitting in front of the door, listening for him. He walked up to the door, sighed and then walked away.

  Ryland was blowing up my phone everyday leaving multiple texts and voicemails. I programmed his calls to be sent straight to voicemail and turned off his text notifications. No matter how hard I tried though, I couldn't bring myself to block his number.

  My finger would hover over the option, but then I'd shut off the screen and throw my phone onto my bed.

  Whenever I passed Finn in the halls I'd crank up my music and walk away. Ignoring him. After enough times Finn didn't try anymore. He would look at me with a sad smile and that was all.

  I've been sitting next further back in the class I share with Gage. He gave a me a strange look the first few days, but never tried to sit with me. Eventually he stopped looking my way as well.

  This is for the best. This is for them. This is the right thing to do. I remind myself that everyday. But if it was the right thing to do, why does it hurts so much.

  Why does my chest physically hurts when I see Finn in the halls laughing with his other friends? Why do I want to wave my arms to get Gage's attention when he walks into class? Why does the idea of blocking Rylands number terrify me?

***

  Another week has passed. The pain is starting to subside. I've been burying myself into my homework and the guitar. Looking at Rylands empty side of the room has become easier.

  His suspension will be over soon. I have 4 more days to figure out where to go. Sharing a dorm with him and trying to keep my distance will be impossible. So I decided to leave. Now I'm trying to figure out where to.

  I get up from my spot at my desk. Close my biology book and throw on my hoodie. I'll go ask for a room switch. It's the easiest option.

  Walking to the faculty building brings back memories of Ryland. Of him fighting because he didn't want to leave the campus, didn't want to leave me unprotected.

  'It was only out of pity' my mind supplies. I take a deep breath and push aside the memories of him as I enter the faculty building.

  "I'd like to request a room change." I say calmly to the student advisor.

  "Is there a particular reason as to why?" Shit I hadn't thought of an excuse. I can't tell him the truth, he won't switch me just because I want to avoid my roommate.

  "No nothing in particular, no." I answer honestly.

  "Well I can't switch you just because. There has to be a reason." He states flatly.

  I sigh, well that was a bust. Time to cut my losses and attempted to find a new place to stay. I thanked him and left.

  While walking around looking for places to sleep I pass the building with the music room. My hands ache for the piano keys. I check the time on my phone. It's 6. Finn and Gage are eating dinner at this time, so it should be empty.

  Quietly I make my way to the room, internally thanking myself for not returning Finns key yet. Unlocking the door and stepping inside, I flicked on the lights.

  Looking at the room in front of me. I was assaulted with memories. Finn surprising me, being held during my breakdown by him, Ryland singing, the countless nights playing for Finn, watching Gage attempt to play the trumpet and fail miserably, sharing my song with Ryland.

  I walked around the room dragging my hand across the sound board and laptop of the recording booth. Putting on the headphones and copying Ryland "Call me a thief, there's been a robbery" I sing into the mic. Tears being to roll down my cheeks.

  I place the headphones back and make my way to the couch, shedding my hoodie. I turn to the paino, sitting down. The keys feel so nice under my fingertips. It's been so long. I start to play a tune. It's new, it's different and it makes me feel lighter. I needed this.

  Mid tune I hear running coming toward the room. I panic, closing the lid, running to grab my hoodie. I hide behind the side of the couch just as Finn comes flying into the room. Thanking myself for not turning on all the lights, he can't see me.

  He looks around frantically and then Gage comes running behind him. "Is she here? Did you see here?" He asks frantically. It's the first time I've heard his voice have any emotion.

  "No. But I could have sworn I heard her playing. Plus she had to have been here. The door was unlocked." He says as he walks into the room and reaches for the light switches.

  I duck down, hiding between the couch and the wall just as the lights flick on. Crossing my fingers he doesn't come over here.

  "You sure you didn't leave the room unlocked?" Gage questions

  "No I made sure it was locked. Dani? Dani are you in here?" They're coming further into the room. I hear the recording booth door open and shut.

  "Dani?" That's the first time I've heard Gage say my name.

  I cover my hands with my mouth as the approach the couch. If they find me now what would I say? Avoiding them would have been for nothing.

  "Dude I think she's gone man." Gage says before Finn makes it to my side of the couch, stopping him "We should just head out."

  I hear Finn sigh "Yeah I guess you're right." They turn and walk towards the door. Shutting off the lights and leave. I hear them shake the handle making sure it's locked.

  I wait until my legs start to fall asleep before moving out from behind the couch. I glance around the room again. Coming here is dangerous. This'll be the last time. I closed and lock the door. Putting my head against it and cry. "Goodbye"

  The last time I do that night is drop the key off at Finn and Gage's room. I set in on the ground,  infront of their door, knock and then run around the corner.

  From this spot I can see Finn open the door, glance around and then look down. His eyes widen when he spots the key, stepping out into the hallway frantically looking around again.

  Gage steps into view behind Finn and reaches down to grab the key. "So she was in there." I hear him say. Before turning and heading back to my dorm.