Save Me From Myself

Walk Before You Run

  The next few days, after waking up, were hard. My body needed to get used to being used again. The doctor had me on a walking regime to help strengthen my muscles. I thought he was being ridiculous until the very first time I tried to walk. I was on the floor faster than I realized what happened.

  Taylor helped me walk around the halls. Holding onto me for support the first few days. He would push my fluid line as we slowly made our way around. I felt horrible not being able to do anything on my own.

  And I mean anything. Taylor would help walk me to the bathroom and back out. He would help me in the shower, washing my back and wrapping me in a towel at the end. He supported my weight in the halls and even learned from my physical therapist how to perform certain therapies for me.

  It was beginning to take a toll on me, feeling helpless and a burden. I found myself getting angry quicker or snapping at Taylor harshly for nothing.

  Anger was easier for me to express than how I was actually feeling. He always gave me a smile and brushed it off. But I could see, I could see the hurt. I knew it to well, the ways of hiding it to benefit others.

  After one particularly rough walk around I through myself down onto the hospital bed.

  "Hey it's ok. You'll do better tomorrow, just gotta take this slow"

  "Woulda stop! Why are you even here? Why do you insist on helping so much" I knew why he did it. He cared, he was worried and maybe he even loved me. But I couldn't help the hurt spewing from my mouth.

  "What do you mean why? I care about you what other reason do you need?" He was starting to get angry I could tell.

  "Just don't understand why you'd rather spend your days fussing over someone who can't do shit for themselves instead of having fun like a normal 20yr old!"

  "Because I'm not a normal 20yr old." He put it so simply and smiled. His eyes soft. He walked over, standing in front of me and grabbed my hand "is that was this is about?"

  "Is what, what what's about?" Anger still attached to the words but with no real bite behind them.

  "Your angry outbursts, the hostility." The words stung "is it because you feel helpless and like you're a burden to me?"

  All angry fell from my body. He hit the nail on its head. I couldn't bring myself to look up at him. I just nodded my head slowly. I felt his hand on the back of my head, pulling me into his chest. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths willing the tears back.

  "I understand why you feel that way. But you don't have to. Trust me when I tell you there's no place I'd rather be than here with you." He spoke quietly next to my ear. His hand on my hair, playing with it. The other arm resting comfortingly around my back.

  "You are important to me. No, you're the most important. I enjoy helping you. It makes me happy knowing you trust me enough to do so."

  I pulled back from his embrace and stared up into his eyes. Flicking my gaze between them, I could see the care they held. The way he looked at me, all it said was 'I'm here' I felt my heart squeeze at the thought. This man in front of me is my guardian angel, my saving grace, my literal everything.

  I acted before my brain had time to process. I was kissing him. Trying to put all of my apperception, care, love and desperation into it. Taylor was stunned for only a moment before returning the kiss. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me into him. I could feel his emotions to. The fear, care, joy and something else.

  I pulled away a moment later. Looking up at him, I smiled. His eyes widened and then he cried. "Did I do something wrong?" My face fell.

  He grabbed my cheeks and tilted my head up into a sloppy, wet chaste kiss. He shook his head "Absolutely not. In fact you've done everything right."

  "Then why are you crying?"

  "Because that is the first time I've seen you smile. And I don't mean the tiny guarded ones. That was the first honest, happy smile I've seen. And it was so beautiful." My heart skipped and I couldn't help the blush that spread across my shocked face.

  Then he quickly, frantically dropped my face and started collecting his things. "I have to go. I have to do something."

  "Taylor where are you going?" Worry evident in my voice.

  He stopped frantically moving when all this things were collected. Turning to me he grabbed my hand, squeezed it and then placed a kiss to my temple. "I'll be back later. I have to talk to Finn about something."

I nodded my head and he left. I busied my self with finishing the song Finn and I were working on. Then I moved onto homework, the teachers had created packets for me to complete to make up credit I had missed.

  About 45 mins into my english assignment, Cole walked into the room. If Taylor wasn't here Cole was. Finn and the others come after their classes ended for the day and stay till visiting hours stop at 10p. So I'm never really alone for alone.

  Cole walks in and sit in Taylors seat, kicking off his shoes and propping his feet up on the bed. "Hows my favorite cousin doing today?"

  I shrug. I myself am unsure. I'm happy because of the kiss with Taylor but my earlier feelings of being a burden are still present despite what Taylor had said.

  Seeing my reservation Cole leans forward and places his hand on my crossed legs. "Talk to me Dani. You can tell me whatever is bothering you."

  I know I can. Cole is the only one I can truly tell anything too. "I feel like I'm a burden on Taylor." Coles gase softens.

  "Why do you think that?"

  "He's here everyday helping me with my physical therapy, showers, walking. He doesn't do anything else."

  "Have you talked to him about it?"

  "Yeah and he says he enjoys it. That he's happy I let him help. But I don't understand why. Why would someone like him want to spend all his time helping someone like me?" The confession takes me by shock. The true reason I'm so upset at my helplessness.

  "So that's the real issue. You're falling for him and you think you're not good enough."

  I look over at Cole and nod sadly "I can tell he cares a lot about me but he should be focusing on someone more worth his time. I'm to fucked up and broken to be worthy of standing by his side."

  "Don't you think that's something Ryland should decide for himself?" Cole states flatly like it's common sense.

  "I guess but I just don't see why hes choosing me. There's nothing special about me."

   "Of course you'd think that. You don't see yourself from the prospective of others, you don't see the affects you have on the people around you." Cole pats my thigh, before squeezing it and standing.

  "I love you cuz. Don't fret to much on things out of your control. It will only make you feel more unsecure."

  "You are so wise. How? You're like an 80yr old man but we're both the same age." I smile up at him, some of my frustrations gone. Cole had that effect on me, he didn't have to try hard.

  "It's a trade secret." He said winking and walking towards the door. "I'll see you tomorrow." He blew me a kiss and then left.

   I should take Coles advice and try not to worry about things out of my control. If Taylor wanted to be here, if he wanted to help, then I'd let him.