Journal (Calum Hood)

Entry 11 (Stephanie)

Entry 11 (Stephanie)

I want to wake up!

No, I need to wake up. I need to hug my friends, get my life just as it was. I'm yearning for the chance to see their faces again, instead of being blind to the sight. I must get up.

But I can't. I'm trying and trying and trying day after day, but I just can't seem to wake myself up from this damned state! I'm screaming in my head, trying to run through the pain in my heart, pull the solution out of my soul, bring life to my face! But I can't.

I can't.

And I don't know why. I've been trying so hard for so long. My mind has been set on the task of my only mission since getting here: to wake up.

My only mission since I got here- my only mission for a week and three days- was to wake up. I just want wake up.

I keep moving my hands, and everyone is really getting excited. I wish I can wake up before it fades to disappointment. I'm happy I'm making them excited, but I want to be there to celebrate with them.

I'm constantly battling myself. Should I keep moving my hands and risk the chance of false hope, or should I stop moving my hands and make them think my health is decreasing? I went with the first one because it's a risk, and maybe, my health is improving and I'm only a few more body parts away from waking up. It's worth the risk, seeing my friends happy.

I also keep 'talking' to them. Through my hands, of course. Calum started it three days ago, when I started moving my hands. It sometimes gets boring because I've had a long day of trying to wake up and I'm only being asked yes of no questions. Other times it's a blessing because I'm hearing my friends' voices.

I really regret overdosing that day. The only thing controlling me was the scary sight of my father and the tremendous sound of his voice that brought back memories. If I had just gone back to Calum and insisted we needed to leave, that moment, I would never have forced my friends to he excited that my hand is moving. If I'd controlled myself, just like I had thought I had, I wouldn't be praying everyday that I'll wake up before I go to sleep.

I hear someone open the door and come in. It's only the nurse, and I know that because the gang was scurried out of the room about two hours ago. She's very friendly and she keeps talking to me. Her name is Trina.

"Stephanie, darling. Hello again. I was just talking about you to another nurse at lunch. I said just how much your friends love you. You're lucky." She says and pauses, before starting again. "I know how determined you are to wake up. Every patient is. They are always trying to wake themselves up, but you must stop trying. I know that sounds ridiculous, because why would you want to stop, right? You want to see you lived ones again, right? But, Stephanie, you are going to force your brain to wake up when it's not ready. When you wake up, you'll have a brain problem or maybe amnesia. That's worse that this, I promise you. You'll wake up when you're ready. It's worth the wait. Your friends are ready to see you, you're ready to see them. Think about just how amazing that feeling will be when you actually do wake up.

"Plus, I don't doubt that you'll be awake and out of this hospital in five days, six at the most. You're almost there, Stephanie. Don't chance it. It's not worth it." She says."Good luck, hon." She leaves the room and I start thinking.

Brain injury? Trying could give me a brain injury? Do I already have one? What would I do if I have amnesia? Should I stop trying? She said to be patient, so I probably should be. She's an RN, she knows what she's doing. She's been with many other coma patients before.

God, this is confusing.

Why can't I just wake up and be done with it? That would make life much easier, for both me and my friends. I just want to wake up. I don't want to be patient. I don't want to try. I don't want a brain injury. I don't want to lay here, waiting.

I just want to wake up.

A/N: hi.

I only have one more day until Thanksgiving break. Yay.

UPDATE! 278 days until my 5sos concert.

Hope you enjoyed! See you next update,

Bailey xx