World Tour

Weekend getaway II

They did move again, of course. There was a beach to discover! There was music to play and there were walks to do.
The beach was beautiful as well. Maybe not Maldives beautiful, but still absolutely lovely. There wasn't a soul around. Eddy was loving walking along this deserted beach, hand in hand with his husband, whose hair was still messy from the sex they'd just had.
But when he looked left at him he saw that look in his eyes again. Broody. Hooded. 
He was quiet for a moment while he thought of how to broach it, before just blurting it out.  
¨Brett, I worry about you. You're being way too hard on yourself.¨
Brett whipped his head around to look at him, shock in his eyes. 
¨I... I'm sorry Eddy.¨ he stammered. ¨You know me too well. I... I'm trying, I promise.¨
 Eddy eyed him quietly, his brows creasing as he processed what Brett had said. 
¨You're clearly not okay, Brett...¨ he whispered then. 
Brett nodded. ¨I know.¨
There was a big piece of driftwood to their left. Eddy pulled Brett along and motioned for him to sit down. 
¨Talk to me.¨ he said, as soon as he'd sat down as well. ¨Tell me what's going on. I can't help you if you don't, remember?¨
Brett's answering tone was bleak. ¨You shouldn't have to, Eddy.¨
Eddy shook his head in surprise. ¨Excuse me, wasn't it you who told me that we solve shit together?¨
Brett was silent for a long while, but Eddy sat there, waiting. He wasn't backing down anymore. 
¨I... I guess I've been struggling, Eddy.¨ Brett said then, and his tone scared Eddy. 
¨I know that, but I don't know if I knew how much.¨ he said, choked up now.¨Please talk to me.¨
Brett inhaled deeply then as he looked at the rolling waves, and then he finally broke his silence.
¨Oh, Eddy, you know it all already. It's just so hard to see you struggling with something that I started. It's so hard to see that life is harder because I wanted something. It's so easy to feel like I'm not worth it, like I... I'm not worth you.¨ 
His lip quivered and he was clearly trying to keep it together. Eddy would have pulled him into a hug, but he knew that that would start him crying. And he knew that Brett didn't want that right now. So he just put his hand on his thigh and squeezed slightly, willing the comfort and warmth to sink into him. 
¨Bretty... I don't know what to say to make you feel differently. But you must know by now that I don't feel that way for one second. That I love you, and that you're what matters most to me.¨
Brett nodded. ¨I know that with my head, Eddy. But it's not always what the rest of me says.¨
A tear formed in the corner of his eye. ¨And now I'm ruining this lovely surprise you orchestrated too.¨
Eddy pulled him close as the sobs started. 
¨No, Bretty, you're not. We're here because I knew we both needed a break. There's nothing I'd rather do right now than sort this out with you.¨ 

He'd never seen Brett cry like this. Sobs wracked his body and he could feel the wetness from his tears spreading into his shirt. Brett clung to him like he was drowning, and he was a life raft. 
He held him and he kissed his soft dark hair. 
¨It'll be okay¨, he whispered in his ear. ¨You're everything to me.¨

It took a long while for Brett to cry himself out and when he finally looked up at him his eyes were red and very swollen and his face was puffy. But it was his eyes that worried Eddy. They looked so sad. 
¨How long have you been feeling like this, Brett?¨ Eddy asked, his voice soft. 
Brett stared at him for a moment. ¨I don't know. A while.¨
Eddy nodded. ¨And you know that you don't need to, right? You do know that?¨
Brett's nod was so small it was almost imperceptible. 
Suddenly Eddy picked up a biggish twig and got up, pulling Brett with him. 
¨Come on.¨ he said, ¨Come with me.¨
Brett's eyes widened in surprise, but he dutifully followed him to the water's edge. 
Eddy felt this surge of something inside him. He just knew what he needed to do and he had no more doubts.
¨Okay, here's what we're going to do. You're going to take all these thoughts, these thoughts that pull you under, and you're going to put them in this twig. You're going to put them all in this twig, and then you're going to throw it into the ocean.¨
He held out the twig to Brett, who hesitated, but then took it. 
They stood there for a long while, Brett holding the twig while tears welled up again. 
Then, suddenly, he pulled his arm back as far as it would go and hurled the twig into the ocean. Eddy felt his big inhale of breath. He breathed with him as he put his arm around his shoulders again and pulled him close. 
¨Please, Bretty, please talk to me from now on when you struggle. When you brood you only make it worse. I'm always here. Okay?¨
Brett snuggled his face firmly into Eddy's chest and breathed deeply. Then he slowly nodded. 
¨Okay.¨
They walked back to the B&B, their fingers firmly intertwined. 
¨I must look a real mess.¨ Brett said after a while. 
Eddy looked at him. It was obvious that he'd been crying, but his eyes were clearer. 
¨You look fine. Nothing an hour with a book on our terrace won't fix.¨
Brett stopped for a moment.
¨Eddy... thank you.¨
Eddy put his hands on Brett's neck and looked him right in the puffy eyes. 
¨Any time, Brett. Please, don't ever forget that again.¨
Brett bent forward and kissed him. 
¨I love you, Eddy.¨