In The Dark

Empty

Feeling empty when I smile,

Never feeling worthwhile.

Never even knowing who I truly am. 

Not being able to think and feeling like a hologram.

Not being able to think for myself. 

Feeling completely trapped in this hell. 

The hell that I call my brain. 

I always thought that one day this world I would reign.

But I'm depressed and alone just like I've always been. 

The battle with myself I will never win.

Leave me to die alone.

That's all I've ever known.

I'm empty inside. 

For no reason, it's unjustified. 

I'm horrified that I'll never feel anything else. 

Except for the pain that comes from the welts. 

From the marks I have drawn on my arms. 

I'm a beautiful artist when it comes to self harm.

Drawing pictures with the blades and my blood. 

I just keep on going until I feel the buzz.

The pleasure that floods through my veins.

But, it's only there for a moment before it dissipates.

Now I'm back to the same feeling as before. 

Then I collapse into a sobbing heap on the floor. 

It didn't work but I'll try again. 

Otherwise all these scars will be in vain.

But I still don't feel a thing. 

I can barely feel the pain that the blades bring. 

I still feel empty when I tell a joke. 

I still feel nothing like I am broke.

I don't feel the emotions that should be flowing through me. 

No, I'm not saying this for pity. 

I've got to tell someone and get this out. 

Although, no one's listening even though I'm screaming so loud. 

No one hears me crying for help. 

No one hears my pain filled yelps.

These words are from the depths of my soul.

It feels like inside me there's a big hole.

How am I supposed to fix myself? 

Especially when I have nobody else. 

I'm screaming so loud but no one is listening. 

This depression has been so bad for years that it's crippling.

I don't know who I was before the pain started. 

Or who I was before my heart hardened. 

I'm screaming my problems out to you. 

But you'll pretend not to hear and say "quit whining, you'll pull through." 

You will always pretend there's nothing wrong with me. 

It'll never matter how much I plead. 

I'm broken in ways that you'll never know. 

The me that you knew, was just a show.