The Nanny

•14•

I was now back on my feet and back looking after the children. Since the day I had my seizure I hadn't seen or spoken to Luciano. When I woke up at the hospital a part of me hoped and prayed he would be there with his hand in mine waiting for me to wake up. Yet when I woke up to the smell of the hospital, a white ceiling and only the sound of the heart monitor beeping I realised how far from reality that was.

I hadn't given him a notion that I wanted anything more than a friendship with him. My sole purpose for being in that house was to look after the children not to develop one sided feelings for a man with no capacity to feel. Lowkey I thought we had a little something. He asked me to permanently stay with him despite his apparent dislike for me. We had been getting along and getting to know each other.

Every night we would tuck the children into bed together and sit and have a warm beverage and a puff puff before falling asleep which now happened to be in the same bed because of 'seizures' but do friends fall asleep together and wake up in each other's arms wrapped up so close I can feel a little something, well maybe not little pressing against my back.

I stirred the bottles of milk in silence as I stood by the counter thinking. The past week hadn't been to good. It seemed like every week was like that now. The kids were my only motivation to get up at this point considering the past week when I fell asleep and woke up Luciano wouldn't be in the bed. I'd tried to keep my emotions in check for the fear of scaring his children if I had an episode and I feel like of recent I've been a burden

A defect. I now had constant head aches from oppressing my feelings and keeping my problems to my self. My doctors appointment was this evening and my gut told me it was bad news and as much as I wanted someone to be there to hold my hand as i received my diagnosis I knew no one would. My symptoms were bad but I tried not to google them.

The constant headaches, increase in seizures, constant trembling of my hands and of recent not being able to remember the children's names. The last one rarely happened but was too scary to ignore. I would watch the kids play and go to call them in only to have no recollection of their names.

The last time it happened I stood horrified in the door way at my forgetfulness only to hear Geoffrey call them in and his hand move to rub my back in comfort. I cried that night.

I walked into the nursery switching the light on only finding Loai awake. I carried him out of his crib sitting with him in the rocking chair giving him his bottle and cradling him like a new born. I stared into space as I played with his fingers questioning what the future held for me. I felt selfish and greedy. How could I feel lonely when I was surrounded by so many.

I continued playing with Loai's tiny hands clutching them in my own and smiling down at him. He removed his hand from mine and reached out trying to touch my face whilst the other held his bottle in his mouth. I grabbed his hand smushing my lips onto his palm giving it a big kiss causing him to smile as i sighed and went back to rocking
--
It was now 7:45 and I sat in the waiting room waiting for my 7:50 appointment. I had messaged Luciano reminding him of my appointment and told him that I was waiting for him yet like every other message I had sent this week he read it and didn't respond.

"Mrs Adara" a nurse called from the corridor I quickly stood up glancing around looking for any signs of him but none. I followed the nurse down the eerie corridor as I braved myself to enter the doctors room. The nurse knocked on the door earning a brief 'come in, from the other side.

I now sat in the chair staring at the man who had introduced himself as doctor Wilson as he spoke to me. 'I'm sorry to say it's a grade 3 malignant brain tumour.' All I could do was nod as he delivered the news my hand reaching out for the hand next to me only to meet air. He didn't come. 'Would you like me to outline treatment?' He asked and I nodded.

Dr Wilson spent the next 30 minutes outlining the treatment I would have to endure.

I was in a daze and stunned to silence. "If it doesn't work how long?" " a year maximum" a year to live. Fuck

I walked out of the doctors room leaflets and prescription in hand. A week from now my life would change.

I closed the door to the house hearing the sound of children playing and an Italian laced female voice scolding them. I walked in blank faced meeting the eyes of a woman. An Italian woman with strong features and around the age of 50.

When the women saw me she ran towards me arms out in a hug. She was extremely short. Her hands moved to cup my face. "My nuora" she sighed in content "my name is Valentina my dear. Luciano's madre" she exclaimed. I bowed my head slightly. "Emiola madam pleasure to meet you." "Valentina" she scolded but I couldn't I hadn't been bought up that way. "Zia then it means aunt." I nodded excusing myself to my room.
****
It was midnight now and I lay my surgery date letter on my bed staring at it, my daze being broken by the knock and opening of my door as Luciano's mother opened the door. I scrambled to pack away the letters as she tutted and sat on the end of the bed. "A mother knows dear." She sang out and took the paper off of me. She read over the letter before muttering "mio dio."

Valentina stared at me as I stared back tears welling in my eyes. I shut them trying to compose myself but couldn't help the lone tear that escaped my traitorous eye.

Valentina opened her arms wide inviting me into her warm embrace as I squeezed her so tight. "He didn't even show" was all I said before I broke down into sobs as the reality hit that if I didn't get through this I would never see my babies again.

At least I would be able to join him.

At that moment a shadow retreated head hung low and filled with shame and guilt