The Nanny

•18•

It had been three weeks. A lot had changed in such a short space of time. Luciano and Emi went about their lives as if nothing was happening. He stayed clear of her ignoring and disregarding her feelings and his own.

Emi stayed strong to. It hurt her everyday to have to get up and swallow a handful of pills. It hurt her everyday to tie up her hair into a pony tail to hide the missing patches of hair which increased day by day.

From the outside looking in it might seem as if Emi had everything she needed to get through such a painful time.

A trio of children who loved and adored her, their innocence exceeding this cruel world, a loving lady named Valentina who once a week would check in on her and look after the children so she could rest, a steady job and warm roof over her head yet she felt so alone.

Emi struggled to comprehend her feelings. She felt selfish and spoilt. Guilty that every morning she woke up to the sound of children laughing and smothering her. That she had a woman who barely knew her constantly checking up on her. She felt guilty that she had a grand house to keep her warm yet she still felt so alone and unsatisfied.

It's important to remember that sometimes materialism isn't everything.

Sometimes having family is more fulfilling than friends.

Sometimes having a cold shell of a house and it being so full of love is better than a mansion full of emptiness.

It's sometimes more beautiful to have 3 close family/friends than 20. It's important to feel loved and love yourself.

However sometimes we struggle to accept that. Emi struggled to look in the mirror and see a woman who was worth loving. She saw a girl that was frail and breaking. She saw a girl who could easily be gone from the world.

The kids knew something was wrong after Emi had sat them down.

"Angels it's important that you know that mama is sick right now."

Emi had said as she sat facing them whilst Luciano and Valentina watched from the doorway.

"I'm going to try to get better so I'm going to be tired and I'm going to start to look different."

All three children sat watching Emi not fully comprehending what she was saying.

For them her words were big and confusing the word 'sick' calling out to them. They knew it was bad when tears started to fill their mamas eyes. To them she never cried unless she was very upset and even then she rarely cried in front of them.

The children's faces scrunched up to cry with her. Loai's little arms reaching out to comfort his mum. Emi picked him up pulling her into his lap as she cuddled him.

Her pain was theirs but as soon as Emi gave them a light smile full of meaning they didn't understand their faces filled with happiness the issue long forgotten. Their brains to untarnished to recognise the pain.

Emi sniffed composing herself so that the children wouldn't be scared. She gave them a sad smile "I'm going to have no hair soon like Caillou"

The children had given her hugs before quickly running of to play not understanding the matter of live or death.

Emi sat quietly in the middle of the room taking deep breaths and taming her feelings. She had to stay strong for them.

She didn't know how long she stayed in that room just focusing on breathing. I'm living.

The carpet next to her shifted as a large mass sat upon it. Luciano sat next to her in silence as they both reflected.

Who would say the first word in three weeks other than the basic yes or no. Emi looked down to the floor annoyed that he had invaded her personal space.

Luciano looked up at her at the movement of her head using the opportunity to take in her appearance. Her hair was patchy. Very patchy. Big chunks were obviously missing and several bald spots littered her scalp. He had seen her hairbrush in the bathroom and seen the long strands of curls left in it.

He didn't need to look at her face to remember the bags that hung under her eyes. In his head he had labelled them as UV Gucci.

His eyes shifted to her exposed arms and the bruises that lay upon them. He knew it was a side affect of the chemo. His fingers twitched wanting to reach out and brush against them but he knew he couldn't.

He stared at her side profile hoping she would raise her head up under his intense gaze but she didn't.

Emi grew even more irritated by his staring waiting for him to use his words instead of his eyes. She wanted him to talk for once. Express his thoughts so she could ignore hers. She looked up at the sound of the end of a word.

"Huh" she questioned recognising he had said something.

Luciano's jaw ticked as he thought about the fact he would have to repeat something he had said. Emi stared at him her eyes narrowing as she watched him catch an attitude. She quickly turned back to how she was before going back to ignoring him.

Luciano watched her turn away and began to become angry at himself for struggling to get his words out. It was a problem of his to voice thoughts that seemed personal or to some people just nice in general. He was working on it.

Luciano sighed as he repeated himsel his deep spice piercing the comfortable silence.

"Would you like me to help cut your hair?" Luciano finally spoke waiting for her reaction.

Emi who was now pulling at the carpet perked up at the question. A sad smile appeared over her face as she stared deeply into the carpet ensuring no tears where preparing to fall.

His question was unexpected. Emi quickly looked up at the sound of someone standing up realising she had forgotten to answer. She quickly reached up grabbing Luciano's hand.

Luciano slowly turned looking from her soft small hand that was laced around his forearm to her face.

"I would love that."