The Nanny

•17•

"Ok so we have agreed to go forth with oral chemotherapy with radiation later to kill any cancerous cells that are remaining" the doctor reiterated to me. I nodded silently taking the prescription and staring at it.

I stood in my room creating a section for my pills in my wardrobe. 4 tablets everyday on a strict schedule. The doctor had said that after approximately 2 weeks I would start loosing hair so at least I didn't have to deal with that just yet. A knock suddenly sounded against my door and I quickly shut the drawer leaning against my dresser.

A head covered in long grey hair popped round the door. "It's Valentina can I come in?" She asked as she stood by the door. I nodded silently moving away from my dresser.

She closed the door carefully before taking a seat on the bed. We stayed in silence for about a minute before she looked up at me ushering me close. "Take a seat dear."

"Did you start?" I nodded quietly scared that if I opened my mouth all that would come out was an ugly cry. "Today?" I nodded again pursing my lips. "Amato it helps to talk about these things" Valentina said as she moved to grab my hand. "I know" I let out as a whisper.

"Tell me what do you fear?" She asked giving me time to think about my answer.

My eyes filled up with tears as I held myself together my voice breaking as I told her. "Having to- to say goodbye." She nodded smiling sadly at me urging me to go on.

"I fear how the children would react to seeing me change. I'm going to loose my hair." The tears started pouring as I started letting my emotions in. "The hair is a beauty of a woman. The kids would be so scared" my voice rose an octave as I blinked through my tears.

"I'm tired. That's what scares me what if I can't do it. Loai already lost his father which was my fault and Xavier and Luna have already lost their mother too yet i have to burden the children with that yet again." I was pacing the room now pulling at my hair as I voiced my concerns.

"Calm down Emi"

"Why is it always me who brings the pain to people. I'm destructive. I don't understand why I'm still being punished?" I asked no one as I now kneeled in the middle of the room. By now I was sobbing and angry. I turned to Valentina. "WHY?" I continued sobbing having my own pity party as I sought out my answers.

"Fuckkkkk" I whispered pulling at my hair as my anger dissipated into more sadness. I lay down against the cold floor seeking comfort as I wondered if I had scared Valentina off.

I don't know how long I lay down on the floor but I eventually fell asleep.

I woke up when I felt someone roughly pick me up into their arms. I woke up scared and thrashing thinking I was being kidnapped. "Calm down" sounded out from my attacker but I quickly calmed down recognising the voice. I was placed down gently on the bed as Luciano quickly turned to move to the door. "Thank you" I quickly said before he reached the door. He simply nodded back.

That night I made a promise to myself.

No more useless tears let's focus on living.