ETHEREAL | OUTSIDERS

･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴛᴡᴇɴᴛʏ-ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ

♪ : i'm sorry — swell ft. shiloh

❝ there's no space for me. ❞

( warning ; mentions of suicide )

I KNOCKED ON the door of Buck's place. Since it wasn't very late, nobody was there yet. Buck was the one to answer the door, and before I could say anything, he started.

"If you want Dallas, he's up in his room." Then, he opened the door a bit wider so that I could get in. I thanked him, then rushed up to Dallas's room. I gently knocked on the door, then heard a large sigh, so I spoke up.

"I'm coming in." As I walked in, I saw his room, a mess, and him sitting on his bed in just a pair of jeans. I cleared my throat and stepped a bit closer.

"What do ya want, why are you even here?" Dallas questioned, sounding annoyed already. I knew Dallas was the hardest one to apologize to, because it was Dallas.

"I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. Before you can interrupt me and tell me to get out, I really am sorry. I don't know why I acted out like that, and I don't even remember thinking of doing that. You don't have to forgive me, I know what I said and I regret that I said it." I said, taking a deep sigh.

"Why should I forgive you?" He said, looking at me in the eyes.

"You don't have to, just know that I'm truly sorry and always will be. I know I messed up, I just, need help." I said, looking down at my hands, and twiddling with my fingers. I heard footsteps come near me, so I looked up. I saw Dallas staring at me, it was quite scary actually.

"I forgive you, kid. Now get outta here, you probably need to apologize to some more people." He ruffled up my hair, and I slightly smiled at him. I did it, I just need to apologize to a couple more people.

"Alright, I'm off to Darry now." I said, walking out of Dallas's room. Guessing he was at work, I started walking off to the roofing company's building. I saw his truck in the parking area, so I approached the building and walked inside. Darry was probably one of the hardest to convince. I really felt bad for lashing out in front of him like that, or in general.

"Excuse me, do you know where Darrel Curtis is?" I asked some of the workers. One of them offered to take me to him.

"I could take you to him if it's urgent." He said.

"Oh yes, it's very urgent." I rushed, tapping my foot. He nodded at me, then motioned me to follow him. I followed him around, until I eventually stood in front of Darry.

"This girl says she needs to talk to you, and it's urgent." The man says, then he walks away, leaving Darry and me.

"What is it, El?" He asked, putting his hands on his hips. I looked down, then prepared myself to explain.

"I'm really sorry, for everything I've done. You don't have to forgive me, I know sorry is just a word. I will make up for it, even if you don't forgive me. I'm just... not in the right mind, and I don't know how to handle it." I said. I opened my mouth to explain even more, but he interrupted.

"Of course I forgive you. I will admit, what you said was pretty insensitive, but I'll always care about you. Just know that next time, you should watch what comes out of you're mouth, okay?" I was quite shocked, he forgave me real quick. I smiled at him, then nodded. He smiled back at me, then pulled me into a hug. One more person to go, Ponyboy.

——

It had been about two more days since I said sorry to everyone. Even though I had apologized, and they forgave me, I still felt odd. I hadn't apologized to Ponyboy yet, because I couldn't bring myself to it. I couldn't even forgive myself for what I did to him, I had physically pushed him, and said some rude things to him.

Nothing felt weirder than how I felt now, done with. There was nothing here for me, or more like I was here for no reason. No reason for me to be here, I had no job or thing to help with. It's like I'm searching for something that doesn't exist, I'm looking for an outlet to plug myself into. Something for me to be plugged into, used to do, but there's nothing. They're all occupied with actual important people, and there's no space for me.

Everything was old, the constant routine of me feeling like shit. It wasn't good, it was tiring for me. There was no use of this, ha continuous cycle of my life going on but never going anywhere. It's like running in place, I'm being active, attempting to find something, but I'm not going anywhere, not accomplishing anything. Plus, you can't run to a destination that doesn't exist.

If I weren't to apologize to Ponyboy, there was one last 'destination'.

P O N Y B O Y

♪ : picture frames — rei brown

I don't get it, why didn't she apologize to me? Did she not feel sorry towards me? All her stuff was still here, she was like a ghost, but not here. It was empty, quiet. Whenever I went to bed, it felt cold, even if I had my blanket. When I was in class, classes that Ellie was in, the class felt quiet and empty.

I sprung up naturally and made my way to my room. Walking in, I picked up the note that Ellie wrote that one day she got mad. As I read it, a lot of the things made sense, but some didn't. I put the note in the pocket of my hoodie and walked out to the living room again, then sat on the couch.

I was sitting on the couch, trying to distract myself by watching TV. All of a sudden, Johnny approached me.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Johnny asked, so I nodded. Johnny led me out to the backyard so that we could talk on our own.

"I know that Ellie hasn't apologized to you yet, but don't be offended. I don't think she's, okay. When she was talking to me it was like she was trying to say something but couldn't. Maybe you should check up on her." I was a bit taken aback. I couldn't see Ellie as that type of person, she hid it so well.

"Oh- um, thanks Johnnycake, for telling me. I'll go check on her, today." I stuttered, not knowing how to take the situation. All I knew, was that I couldn't wait another day to do this.