Coming Up For Air

5.4

"He'd talk about love
Yeah he was something like a teacher
He said, "God only helps those
Who learn to help themselves."
-OneRepublic, 'Preacher'

⚑ Luke ⚐

Luke was almost to the door of the airport when he realized that Ashton was leaving.

Luke was getting into Michael's car when he realized Ashton was going.

Luke was looking out the window silently as they drove home when he realized Ashton was gone.

Ashton

was

gone.

(And Luke was, too.)

(Because he was lost.)

(Because he needed Ashton.)

(Because he couldn't breathe without Ashton.)

(Because couldn't live without Ashton.)

(Because he couldn't stay put together without Ashton.)

(And Ashton)

(was)

(gone.)

"So," Calum said, clearing his throat awkwardly in the passenger's seat. "What time's he gonna land?"

Luke shrugged and felt empty.

"You don't know? He didn't tell you? Is he just gonna call you when he lands?" Calum asked, glancing back at Luke with wide, concerned eyes that had no idea every question behind them was stabbing Luke in the heart.

Luke paused and the swallowed and tried to contain his everything.

"I...don't think so." He said haltingly and gratingly and God knows Calum saw straight through him to his bones.

"Jesus." Calum said, twisting and turning and facing Luke and looking all kinds of accusing and awful. "What did--what happened?"

(I can't do this.)

"Nothing." Luke said, the two syllables sliding smoothly off his tongue like airbrushed poison.

"Don't lie to me, Luke." Calum said, and it was evident he was trying to hold it together because he thought Luke was too delicate to handle whatever he really wanted to say. "You look like you did when you finished How I Met Your Mother."

Luke choked out a laugh.

(Oh, God I can't fucking do this façade right now.)

"Luke." Calum said. Mikey was whistling something in a soft, gentle kind of way that sort of consumed Luke for a minuscule millennia.

"Luke." Calum said again, traction in his voice this time. "What happened in there?"

"Where? The airport? I dropped Ashton off at security and then he left. End of story." Luke told him, trying to sound dry but ending up brittle.

Calum's eyes traced hot paths over Luke's face for a moment, but then he turned around and Luke thought it was over for roughly 37 seconds.

Then things weren't over anymore.

"Damn it, Luke!" Calum said suddenly, sharply, banging on the dashboard with the flat of his palm. "When are you gonna stop fucking lying to me?"

"I'm not lying." Luke mumbled. "I just don't wanna tell you everything all the time. Is that okay with you?"

"No! Okay? No. Luke, I am your best friend. I am your roommate. I am your brother. And I know--I know--that something happened with you and Ashton. Something bad. But you're too busy being so goddamn self centered and so goddamn sad and so goddamn stuck in the past that you can't even fucking get the nerve to tell me. And that hurts, Luke, it does, because all your little problems have made you so blind to the rest of our feelings. You know--do you know--how much I care about you? Do you know how much everybody fucking cares about you? You're so goddamn lucky, Luke, because everybody cares about you. They care about you and you take if for granted because you don't think they do it the right way. Do you think that for one second I wouldn't sell my fucking soul to have even a quarter of what you have? Your mum--,"