Gone || Ashton Irwin

Chapter 10

"So, what are we doing today?" I ask James as I hop into the passenger seat of his car.

"I don't know." He says, shrugging his shoulders and pulling out of my driveway.

"Okay. Whatever you wanna do." I tell him, looking up at him with a smile.

"Cool." He mutters, turning the radio up.

I put my hands in my lap and look out the car window. The silence seems suffocating. I fiddle with my fingers awkwardly.

"Do you have any cigarettes?" I ask him hopefully.

"Yeah." He says, digging in his pockets. He hands me one and I thank him quietly before grabbing my lighter.

I roll down the window and take a drag, letting my mind wander.

I wonder how Ashton's doing.

I shake my head and turn to face James. "Hey, James?" I ask.

"Yeah?"

"You have any weed?"

"Obviously." He says with an eye roll. "Why do you keep asking questions you already know the answer to?"

"Sorry." I whisper.

"You're so fucking stupid." He mutters under his breath.

I know.

The rest of the ride to his house stays silent. He parks and doesn't bother waiting for me as he makes his way up to his apartment. I lag behind him slowly, looking around as the brisk autumn air hits my face. I walk up a flight of stairs and wait in front of his door. I take a deep breath before twisting it open and stepping inside.

James is already sitting in front of the television, flipping through channels. I slip my shoes off and walk over to the couch. I take a seat next to him and he flings his arm around my shoulder. I don't react as I stare ahead at the television. I should be used to this by now. But I'm not. I don't think I ever will be.

"Is something wrong with you?" James asks, looking at me oddly.

"No, I'm just kind of tired." I reply dryly.

"Does that mean we can't have sex later?"

I let out a sigh and pull away from him. "It's always about sex with you, James."

"And?" He asks, raising an eyebrow. "Is that a problem?"

"Yeah, it is." I mutter, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Babe, don't be mad." He groans, pulling me into a hug.

"Shove off, James." I snap, pulling away from him again.

"What the fuck is up with you lately? It's like ever since Luke picked you up from my house you've been more of a bitch than usual. I can tolerate you most of the time but your bitchiness lately has just blown you out of the water. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I'm going home." I say, standing up and walking towards the door.

"Val, come on." James groans, standing up and walking after me. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"Yeah, whatever." I mumble, opening the front door.

"Babe, come on." He whispers, placing his hand gently on my shoulder. "I said I was sorry."

"Sorry isn't enough, James. You're an asshole."

"We go through this every other day and you always come back." He tells me quietly, pressing a kiss to my neck. "Come on babe, I'm sorry."

"James-"

"I'm sorry." He repeats, turning me around and pressing a kiss to my lips. He pushes me back against the door and kisses me harder. I kiss back half-heartedly, feeling tears prick at my eyes. I hate James. I hate him so much.

Fuck, I want Ashton.

So I kiss James harder. I kiss him till I'm breathless. I kiss him until we're stumbling into his bedroom. I kiss him until our clothes are off and we're between the sheets. I kiss him until I forget Ashton.

~~~

Beer.

I'd never really had any sort of drink before Ashton left.

Then James showed me. And that first night, I drank. I drank and I drank until I couldn't think straight. I drank until every part of me was gone.

And that's all I do now.

I usually drink with James, but after what happened earlier, I couldn't bring myself to stay in that apartment another second. So I grabbed a case of beer and stormed out.

Now I'm sitting in the park, beer bottle to my lips and tears in my eyes.

"Fucking Ashton." I laugh brokenly, taking another swig of my beer. "Not one fucking letter, you inconsiderate asshole."

I lift the bottle to my lips and drink until the rest of the beer is gone and I'm lightheaded.

"Whoa." I mutter with a hiccup. I shake my head and run my fingers through my hair. My thoughts are hazy and I can hardly sit still. I eventually end up toppling over and resting on the ground, looking up at the stars.

"I love you, Ashton." I whisper, my voice cracking. "Why'd you have to leave me? I wasn't good enough. I wasn't what you needed. You don't love me. You lied. It's been three months, Ashton. Why am I still so stuck on you?"

I open another bottle and drink through my sobs. I let the alcohol drown my mind in nightmares as my eyes start drifting shut. But anything is better than being awake.