Gone || Ashton Irwin

Chapter 18

“Well, this was fun.” He tells me, leaning against the doorframe, a small smile on his face.

“Yeah, it was.”

“We should go out again, sometime.”

“I’d like that.” I agree with a soft smile.

“Well, I’ll call you.” Grayson says gently. “Goodnight, Valerie.”

“Night.” I tell him timidly as he plants a kiss on my cheek.

I freeze in place.

“Bye.” He whispers as he pulls back and walks out the front door.

I immediately shut it behind him and lean against the door.

“Fuck.” I whisper, running my hands through my hair. “Fuck.”
I rush into my bathroom and stare at my reflection in the mirror for a good ten minutes before I can bring myself to speak.

“You did it, Val.” I tell my reflection. “You went on a date with a guy that wasn’t Ashton. Fuck, it was weird. You made small talk and you acted normal and I’m proud of you.”

I let out a quiet laugh before continuing.

“But damn, he wasn’t Ashton. And it was weird.”

I take a deep breath.

His lips weren’t Ashton’s. They weren’t soft like his. They didn’t kiss the same way his did. It wasn’t Ashton kissing me. It was someone else. And damn, it was weird. He didn’t laugh the same way Ashton did. He didn’t speak the same way Ashton did. He didn’t make me feel like Ashton did. Damn, I thought I was over him, but maybe I’m not. Or maybe I am and I’m just not ready.

I shake my head and walk into my room, changing into some pajamas. I see one of Ashton’s shirts folded neatly in my drawer and bite down on my lip. No. I can’t wear it. I shouldn’t. It won’t help.

So I just put on some shorts and a t-shirt.

I take a seat on my bed and bring my knees to my chest as I stare blankly at the wall.

Luke would be laughing if he saw me right now. Telling me how he was right and that I was never over Ashton. But I was. Fuck, I thought I was. But Grayson isn’t Ashton. And Luke isn’t Ashton. Maybe Ashton’s not Ashton.

“Damn it.” I mutter as I grab my keys off of my desk and rush out the front door. I hop into my car and turn it on, my hands shaking slightly. I let out a breath as I pull out and drive to his house.

I’m only making things worse.

But I miss him and I need him and fuck, I want him.

I park my car a little ways down the street, since someone on Ashton’s block is having a party. Lights are on and music is playing, but I just want to be alone. I walk down a block and a half before I reach Ashton’s house. I knock on the door and wait patiently for Patty to answer, but no one does. I look around and notice that all the lights are off. No one’s home.

“I swear there was a key in a flower pot.” I mutter under my breath as I bend over and shove my hand into the dirt in the pot.

I’m basically breaking into his house.

I feel something cool under my fingertips and let out a sigh of relief as I clean the key off. I put it in the door and twist it to the side, unlocking the door.

I step inside and lock the door behind me, throwing the key on the entryway table. I don’t bother taking my shoes off as I run blindly to the staircase. I feel around for the railing and make my way up the stairs.

I turn my phone’s flash on, thankful my dad finally upgraded my phone, and walk into his bedroom.

I open the door and I don’t smell him.

The smell of his cologne is gone.

I turn my flash off and flip the bedroom lights on.

It’s all the same. Clean, tidy, organized. Nothing is out of place. The room is absolutely spotless.

I miss when the bed was undone and there was clothes on the floor. I miss when the scent of his cologne lingered on every piece of his furniture. I miss when I could walk into his room and feel at home.

But now it’s different.

He’s gone.

I feel tears pricking at my eyes and blink rapidly in an attempt to keep them back. But they don’t stay back. They slip down my face, one by one, reminding me that Ashton isn’t here. I sniffle as I wipe my eyes and kick my shoes off. I turn the lights off and throw myself onto his bed. I cover myself in his blankets in a desperate attempt to make them feel like him.

But they don’t.

So I just stay in his bed and cry silently, my tears soaking his pillow. I move to the side of the bed I used to sleep on and pull the covers over my head as memories flood through my mind.

It feels unsettling. Being perfectly happy but indescribably sad all at the same time. I was fine without him. I made things work. I tried hard. I worked on myself. I got better. But here I am again. At midnight. Staring at his wall. Pretending there’s still a working part of my heart.

So I let my eyes flutter shut as I try my hardest to imagine what the hell Ashton’s giggle sounded like and how the hell it felt to have him next to me.

But nothing comes to mind.

I spend what seems like hours trying to conjure up an imagine of what he could look like now. How he could be now.

But my mind stays blank.

And I stay in a sleep like trance until I feel the mattress dip a bit.

So I turn my head.

And let out a scream.

So does he.

“What the fuck?” He lets out, jumping out of bed.

I sit up, putting my hand over my heart and looking over at him.

“Val?” He asks, squinting at me.

I feel panic rising through me as my heart beat gets faster and louder and fuck, I swear people from down the block can hear it.

I’m sleeping.

I’ve got to be sleeping.

“Holy fuck.” He whispers, his hazel eyes meeting mine. “Valerie.”

Ashton.

happy holidays, you bastards ;)