Gone || Ashton Irwin

Chapter 11

“Just one more.” I gasp, holding onto the machine with shaky arms. “One more mile. One more mile.” I repeat under my breath. Beads of sweat make their way down my face as I inhale and exhale rapidly.

“Sweetie, are you alright?” A woman on the machine next to me asks.

“I’m great. Just out of shape.” I tell her with a dry laugh, standing up and dabbing at my face with a small towel. “Haven’t been running in ages.”

“You look like you’re about to faint. Are you sure you’re alright?”

“Positive.” I tell her with a laugh as I take a drink from my water bottle and give her a thumbs up.

She gives me a worried smile before gathering her things and moving onto another machine.

I let out a sigh of relief before turning the machine on the highest setting again. I will my legs to move quickly despite the aching feeling in my feet and the dulling hunger in my stomach. I pump my arms back and forth to balance myself a bit more and continue running, staring straight at the machine in front of me. I turn my music up until my head hurts and I move my legs even faster than before. I focus on my breathing as I try to steady it. I focus on the sound of my feet hitting the machine.

It only takes me five minutes to run the last mile.

“You can do another one.” I whisper, wiping sweat off of my forehead. “You can do one more.”

So I do.

Then I turn off the machine and grab my things. My fingers rake themselves through my hair as I head for the showers. Once I get to the showers, I step inside one and strip before turning the water on. I stand still and let the warm water run over my body for a minute before snapping out of my daze. I wash my hair and body quickly before drying off and changing. I walk in front of the mirrors and sigh, putting my hand on my stomach.

I shake my head. I gather my wet hair up into a bun before pulling on my jacket and running out to my car. I throw my gym bag in the passenger seat and start the car. I sit inside for a minute, staring at the steering wheel.

My phone rings to my side and I pick it up. “Hello?”

“Hey babe.”

“Hi James.” I whisper, looking down at my hands.

“You busy?”

“I actually just got out of the gym…”

“Oh good. You’ve been gaining weight.”

“Yeah.” I chuckle with a frown even though we both know I’ve only been losing it.

“You should stop by. Me and the guys are having a movie night and their girls will be over too. It’ll be fun.”

“I can’t. I got a lot of homework to do.” I say, putting my attention back on the steering wheel in front of me. I turn my head and back out of the parking lot before driving down the road.

“You don’t do homework. And it’s only nine. You okay?”

“Yeah, just really tired.” I tell him with a forced laugh. “But I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, sure babe. Get some rest. Love you.”

“Love you too.” I whisper before setting the phone down and bursting into tears. I wipe my eyes, trying to keep my attention focused on the road, but how can I?

James is a miserable asshole. He’s such a dick. He treats me like shit and I let him. I let him walk all over me. I don’t love him. There’s nothing even remotely close to love in our relationship. He’s a manipulative asshole.

The only reason I’m even with him is because of Ashton.

Everything is because of Ashton.

“Dammit.” I mutter, pulling my car over to the side of the road. I let my head fall against the steering wheel as tears start slipping from my eyes. I try to hold them back, but it only makes them worse. They come down faster and I hate myself more every tear that escapes.

I miss Ashton. I fucking miss him. I miss his giggle and his eyes and his hair and his kisses and fuck, I love him. He’s the only thing that’s ever on my mind. I see ghosts of him wherever I go. When I walk past the park or when I sit down in Ms. Jones’ room. His empty seat taunts me. Sometimes I swear I can just see him sitting there. Then he’ll look over his shoulder and flash me a big smile, dimples out and my heart skips a beat. Those always end up with me hiding in the bathroom crying for the rest of the day.

I pull back onto the road as my tears start subsiding. I go well over the speed limit, my heart pounding in my chest and echoing in my head. The drive can’t be more than ten minutes and I’m already shaking. I pull into his driveway and park my car before running towards the front door. I knock and shift my weight from foot to foot as I wait for an answer.

The doorknob twists and I let out a sigh of relief.

“Valerie?”

“Hi Patty.” I say weakly.

“Are you alright, darling?”

“Yeah, um, I was just wondering if I could go up to Ashton’s room for a bit. I’m having a rough night and-”

“Of course.” She says with a smile.

I give her a thankful smile and walk past her into the living room. I reach the bottom of the stairs and my heartbeat accelerates as I run up every step and down the hall until I reach his bedroom door. I rest my hand on the doorknob and twist it before I can change my mind.

I’m immediately hit with the scent of his cologne. I shut the door behind me and flip the lights on. I feel tears sliding down my face but I don’t bother wiping them away. My eyes travel across the room as memories start flooding back through my head.

Flashes of parties, laying in his bed, teasing each other, tickle fights that ended in kisses, the first time we got in a fight, the first time he told me he loved me. A whimper escapes my lips as I kick my shoes off and crawl onto his bed. I bury my face into his pillows and breathe as deeply as I can. They still smell like him. I crawl under his sheets and pull them as close to me as I can.

“Ashton.” I whisper, my voice muffled by the pillow. “Ashton.” I cry out, my shoulder shaking as tears escape from my trembling lips.

I shut my eyes and try to imagine his arms around me. The way they’d hold me close, but not too tightly. How he’d lace our fingers together and bury his face in the crook of my neck. The way he’d gently press kisses to my shoulder. How he’d hum slightly off-key. How he’d stretch over me to press a kiss to my forehead. How he’d give me the warmer blanket. How he’d whisper he loved me seconds before falling asleep when he thought I couldn’t hear him. How he’d softly snore and his grip on me would loosen, but how he’d never let go.

But now he did.

He let go.