Gone || Ashton Irwin

Chapter 23

I wake up the next morning and the first thing I notice is the empty half of the bed where Ashton should be. I sit up quickly and flinch slightly, my head pounding from all of the crying I did yesterday.

After I’d kissed Ashton, he’d decided to stay the rest of the day. We didn’t do much. Just sat around and watched movies. My mom came home late that night and went straight to bed, leaving Ashton and I half asleep on the couch. The last thing I remember was Ashton carrying me into my room and climbing into bed with me.

But he’s not here right now.

I let out a sigh and get out of bed, not caring about my appearance. I drag my feet across the carpet and make my way into the living room. Flipping the television on, I throw myself on the couch and shove my face into the cushion with a groan.

The front door opens and I look up.

“Shit! I thought I could get back before you were awake.” Ashton says, his eyes wide as he holds my dog in his arms.

“Winston!” I screech, throwing myself off of the couch and running straight towards Ashton. I scoop him out of his arms and kiss the tip of Winston’s nose. “Hey, puppy. Where’d you run off to, huh?” Winston whines happily as I set him down. He runs around the house, his tail wagging rapidly. I turn to face Ashton who has a half smile on his face, his arms crossed in front of his chest. I wrap my arms around Ashton and bury my face into the crook of his neck. “Thank you so much.”

“Anything for you, Val.” He whispers, rocking us back and forth slightly.

I pull away with a grin and look up at him. “Where’d you find him?”

“After you fell asleep last night, I went back to my house and made some of those ‘Lost Dog’ flyers. Hung ‘em up around town. Turns out a family found him in the middle of the road and took him in. They saw a sign, called me, and I went to pick him up this morning.”

“Did you sleep at all last night?” I ask, biting down on my lip.

“Not really.” He says with a smile. “But it’s not a big deal. It was definitely worth it.”

I nod my head slowly. What the fuck is he doing?

“You can sleep if you want.” I tell him with a shrug. “You must be really tired.”

“Only if you come with me.” He tells me with a grin.

“Okay.” I tell him with a soft smile.

We walk into my room and Winston follows us, jumping on the bed. I shut the door and Ashton climbs into my bed, letting out a sigh as he shuts his eyes. I crawl in next to him and he pulls me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest and he smiles down at me. He traces patterns up and down my arms with a lazy smile on his face.

It’s involuntary, but I reach my hand up to his face and gently push a strand of hair out of his eyes. My fingers trace all the way down to his jaw and my thumb grazes his lips.

“I like your long hair.” I whisper, looking up at him.

“Thanks.” He tells me with a giggle, his eyelids drooping slightly before he opens them wide again. “I like what you did to your hair. Purple’s washing out, though.”

“It looks horrible.” I tell him with a soft laugh.

“I’m sorry I missed it. I bet you looked amazing with purple hair.”

“Luke hated it. Thought I was insane for dyeing it.” I say, my voice barely audible as I trace my fingers on his chest.

“If I was Luke, I’d be worried too.” He tells me gently. “He cares about people so much he pushes them away. It’s weird, but somehow he manages to do it. I guess he cares so much people get sick of it.”

“Yeah.” I whisper as Ashton’s eyes start drifting shut. “Thanks for finding Winston, Ashton. It really means a lot.”

“Anything for you.” He tells me gently. “I love you.”

“I know.”

“I love the way you used to love me.” He mumbles before yawning slightly. “But I still love you even though you don’t love me.”

“I know.” I repeat.

And then he falls asleep. Quiet snores escape his lips and the corners of his mouth twitch up into a smile. I sigh quietly as I watch him sleep.

Why can’t I love him?

I want to love him.

All the things he’s done for me.

I know how hard it is to get yourself out of a pit of depression and self-loathing to the point you want to die. I’m still not all the way out. And he got out of it just for me. He didn’t think I wrote him letters, but he did it anyway. He pulled himself out of it while I drowned myself in it. He got better for me and I got worse for him. I could’ve gotten better, but I got worse.

I wish I would’ve gotten better.

The roles have completely reversed. He’s the happy one and I’m the one stuck in secret self hatred. And I know he’d do anything to help me.

Maybe he’s the thing I need.

I’ve gone to therapy, taken medication, tried so hard to get better. And I have gotten better, but I haven’t gotten good enough. Not good enough for Ashton anyway.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper, looking up at him. “I’m sorry for not being as strong as you. I’m sorry I freaked out when you didn’t write me letters. I’m sorry I slept with James and ignored Luke and fuck, for kissing him. I’m sorry for pushing everyone away and hating myself. I’m sorry for wanting to die. I’m sorry for letting you down. I just loved you so much and not having you drove me insane. Literally drove me insane. I just, really loved you. And my mom said I wouldn’t go through all of that for someone who I didn’t love, and I convinced myself to not love you and then you just come back and I was so emotionally dead I couldn’t feel anything. And now you’re doing so many nice things for me and having you back is reminding me of how we were before and-” I sigh quietly and shut my eyes. “I really want to love you again.”

He doesn’t wake up for another two hours.

By the time he’s awake, I have pancakes ready on the table with coffee and orange slices. He walks into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.

“You made breakfast?”

“Mhmm.” I tell him with a smile.

“You didn’t have to.” He says with a sheepish grin.

“I wanted to.” I assure him.

“You okay?” He asks.

“Yeah.” I whisper. “I think I’m okay.”

short chapter so i'll probably be double updating