Gone || Ashton Irwin

Prologue

I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted.

I thought about our last kiss. How it felt, the way you tasted.

"Fuck!" I scream, slamming my fist against the steering wheel of my car. "Fuck!"

The music drifts through the car quietly and my stomach twists into knots. I let out a heart wrenching sob, holding my head in my hands. I let out a scream and let my head fall back against my seat.

My phone rings and I immediately reach over to get it. I pick it up without even looking at the Caller ID.

"Hello?" I ask, my voice cracking.

"I need you." Luke says through broken sobs. "I need you right now. I need you to hug me and tell me everything's okay and that he's alive. I need you to tell me that he's okay. I need you to hug me, Valerie. Ashton always said you give the best hugs. I need one. Right now. Please, just, come over. Please."

"Luke." I whisper quietly, before letting a sob escape.

"Where are you?" He asks.

"I'm listening to 'Amnesia'. Who the fuck wrote that song? Tell me who the fuck wrote it." I say.

"A-Ashton." He squeaks.

"Fuck!" I scream, tossing my already broken phone into the car's door. I pull off of the side of the road and start driving towards Luke's house. My tears are blurring my vision, but I keep my eyes glued to the road.

I pull into his driveway and park the car. I sit still for a minute, listening to the ending of the song.

'Cause I'm not fine at all.

No, I'm really not fine at all.

Tell me this is just a dream.

'Cause I'm really not fine at all.

I turn off the car and climb out, tears falling down my cheeks. I knock on his door gently. The door opens in seconds and Luke immediately wraps his arms around me with a sob. His grip on me is so tight I feel like he's gonna crush my ribs. But I don't tell him. Any pain is better than thinking of a world without Ashton.

He lets go of me and I follow him into his kitchen without another word. We sit down at his table and his mother sets down two mugs of hot chocolate. I thank her quietly and she nods before leaving the room.

"It's been a month." Luke says quietly.

"I know."

"It seems like years." Luke mutters.

"I know." I say, looking at my hands. "How've you been? You look sick."

"You're one to talk. I'm surprised you didn't snap in half when I hugged you."

"Okay, I've shed some weight-"

"Valerie, I wouldn't be surprised if you weighed as much as Ashton's drumsticks."

"Don't say his name." I say, screwing my eyes shut.

"Sorry." He says quietly. "But you need to eat something. You look like a China Doll."

I shrug. "You're not looking too hot yourself."

He sighs. "Yeah, I know."

"How are Michael and Calum?"

"Michael's taking it really hard. He hasn't spoken to me or Calum since it happened. Calum hardly talks anymore, honestly. He's just really quiet. It seems like we're both the least affected by this."

"And that's saying something." I say morbidly. I reach out for the mug and bring it to my lips, letting the warm liquid run down my throat. I set it back down on the counter and give Luke a sad smile. "How do you think he's doing?"

"I don't know." Luke says. "Haven't gotten any letters or anything."

"Neither have I." I fiddle nervously with my fingers.

"How have you been sleeping?" He asks.

"I haven't been." I tell him with a frown.

"Neither have I. Which explains why you're at my house at three in the morning."

"How've you been doing in school?" I ask.

"Pretty good. It distracts me." He says.

"Yeah, well 4.0 Valerie has turned into a 2.1 Valerie."

"Harsh." Luke says. "You wanna watch a movie?"

"Yeah." I tell him. "But can it not be a romantic comedy?"

"It never is." Luke says, standing up and taking my hand in his. We walk silently to his living room. He tells me to sit on the couch. He puts in a movie and I look around the room. There's tissues everywhere. I look over at Luke. He has bags under his eyes and he looks skinnier. Not unhealthy skinnier, just thinner. But he looks so tired. Like he could collapse at any moment.

He sits on the couch next to me. The movie stars and I immediately rest my head on his shoulder. He holds my hand and we watch as the movie starts in silence. Ever since everything happened, I've been hanging out a lot with Luke. There's nothing romantic about our hand holding or cuddling. It's for comfort. That's what we do. We comfort each other. We make each other feel better. But neither of us can keep that nagging feeling of death away for too long. It's always there.

Just like the memory of Ashton.