Gone || Ashton Irwin

Chapter 14

“Valerie Hart, where the hell were you last night?” My mom asks as I step through the front door the following morning.

“I was out.” I tell her dryly.

“You look horrible. What were you doing? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” I tell her with a soft smile.

“Are you sure?” She asks with a frown.

“Yeah.” I tell her with a thumbs up. “Um, I just came to shower and stuff.”

“Okay.” She tells me with a sigh. “I’m going to work. I’ll see you later sweetheart.”

“Bye mom.” I call out as she walks through the front door.

I grab my things and take a quick shower, changing into some pajamas before walking across the hall into my room. I throw myself onto my bed and stare up at my ceiling with a sigh.

After Luke kissed me last night, I’d gone ballistic. Yelling and crying about how much Ashton would hate me if he ever found out. Luke said I cared too much about what Ashton thought. I agreed. So I got the hell out of there and drove all night. I didn’t sleep at all.

So here I am.

In my bed.

Staring at my ceiling.

My heart in my stomach.

I don’t know how long I lay there. Just doing nothing. My thoughts are swimming through my head and memories of Ashton are flooding through. I can hear his laughter replaying in my head and it’s killing me.

“Dammit.” I mutter to myself as I feel a tear slip down my face. I wipe it away quickly and sit up. I grab a cigarette out of my backpack and light it, throwing the lighter on the counter. I wipe my eyes again and rest my back against the bedpost.

I miss him.

Fuck, I miss him.

It takes me a while, but I finish the whole pack of cigarettes, leaving my room a smokey mess. There’s ashes on the ground and I can hardly see in front of me. I let out a cough as I open my bedroom window, letting the fresh air seep through. I take in a deep breath and sit by the window, staring blankly outside.

I wanna die.

I really want to die.

So I pull the screen out of the window and swing my legs out, poking my head forward,

taking a seat on the ledge. My shaky hands grasp the side of the window as I take a deep breath.

Might as well go now.

I feel tears brimming at my eyes and shake my head viciously as I blink them back.

“Well Val,” I whisper to myself. “You’ve officially hit rock bottom. A boy kissed you, and you’re ready to throw yourself out of a fourth story window because of it. You’re a fucking mess. But that’s okay. No one would even care if you were gone. You’re a worthless piece of shit.”

I scoot forward a little more, taking a deep breath and looking down at the alley below me. I scoot forward a little more and gasp quietly as I start falling forward. My grip on the window tightens as I scoot back.

“Fuck, I can’t.” I whisper, pushing myself back into the room. “You need to see Ashton one more time, Valerie. Just one more time.”

I fall onto my bed, my chest heaving with the sobs coursing throughout my body.

“Ashton can’t see you such a mess.” I whisper to myself, tasting the tears falling into my mouth. “You need to get better. You’re a wreck. You need to get better.”

I crawl into bed and pull the covers over me.

I think of Ashton.

I think of how he’s doing. If he’s made any friends. If he’s feeling any better. How long his hair is. If his laugh has gotten louder.

I let my mind wander and get lost in memories of Ashton.

I don’t stop myself from thinking about all of the fun we had together. All of the laughs and the kisses and the teasing. I don’t stop myself from remembering all the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. His laugh, his smile, his overbearing positivity, his hugs, his kisses, just everything about him.

And I smile through my tears.

I smile to myself and I can’t stop.

He’s such an idiot.

I love him.

But I can’t live my life like he’s dead. He wouldn’t want that. He’d want me up and running. He’d want me to do good in school and write him all about it. He’d want me to tell him what was going on with all the bands that he liked. He’d want me to listen to their music and think of him. He’d want me to get ice cream at the park every day and smile and remember all of the things we did.

He would want me to be happy.

And I don’t care if he’s changed. He could be different now. But he’s getting the help he needs. And even if he comes back a new Ashton, someone I didn’t fall in love with, I owe the Ashton I did fall in love with this much.

I have to live for him.

And no one else can live for me.

I have to do it myself.

That’s when I realize that my life isn’t a movie. I’m not gonna have some old wise man teach me the ways of life. He’s not going to mentor me back to health. He’s not going to give me a will to live. This is my life. And if I don’t do it, nobody will.

So I get up, walk to the kitchen, open the freezer, and grab a big bowl of ice cream. I get three bigs scoops and take a seat in front of the television. I call Winston, have him sit by my lap, and watch television as I force the ice cream down my throat.

And for the first time in a long time, no matter how much I want to, I don’t throw up when I’m done eating.

 

~~~

 

“Hey, Luke.” I tell him with an awkward wave.

“Hey, Val.” He tells me with a slight frown. “Listen, about what happened yesterday, I’m really sorry-”

“It’s okay, Luke.” I say with a grin. “It doesn’t even matter. But do you know what matters?”

“What?” He asks, a lazy smile making its’ way onto his face.

“That Ashton wanted the band to stay together. So you’re going to march your ass straight down to Michael’s house, then Calum’s, and you’re gonna have a fuckin’ band rehearsal. You can’t just waste your friendship because you’re upset. What you guys have isn’t something that everyone has. You guys are special. So go get the damn stupid band back together.”

“Valerie, what the hell has gotten into you?” He asks, his smile expanding into a grin.

“Just do it for Ashton.” I tell him with a smile. “You owe him this much.”

Luke gives me a soft smile. “Yeah, I do.”

“Go get ‘em, tiger.”

“What? You’re not coming?”

I shake my head. “I have some other things I have to take care of.”

“You okay?” He asks. “You look like you’ve been crying.”

“I’m okay, Luke.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” I tell him with a small smile. “I’m sure.”

epiphany valerie is my favorite valerie