No Better Heaven Than You.

Not without you.

C A R M E N•

11:50pm.

April 30th.

"Remain calm. Ok? Calm." Eyeing the doctors and nurses watching me, I bit the inside of my cheek to remain solid. When they came to the conclusion that I could handle being awake, they left and gave me some time to fully wake up. Everything felt foggy and weird right now, but I was still fully aware of my current situation. My face had begun to heal nicely, but I didn't care about that. It'd take more than a couple of days for my femur to heal, and I had a child to take care of. I couldn't leave my friends and family to care for him when he was so little.

He needed his mother, he needed me.

Why was this happening? Hadn't enough misfortune happened? If I could rewind time and just tell Corey to take the streets I would have. I still didn't know if the man or woman who hit us had been charged or what was going on. But that was my fault for being reckless and spazzing out like a crazed child.

But then again.

I wasn't wrong either. It was a normal reaction, my best friend, my husband was fighting for his life. To know that after all of this, even if he came out of it that he may never be the same man again? I couldn't bare it. Even worse I knew that as his wife? I would have to make the gut wrenching choices now. Even for his Mother, who now being a Mom mysef? I know would do anything to have Corey still be here.

Even if it meant he would never be the Corey we all grew to know and love.

But I knew I couldn't bare to try and take care of myself, our son and him. Rather he didn't remember things , his personality would change or he just wouldn't be really present with us? I just didn't know. But that was the reality of brain injuries, they were toxic and unkind. All that aside, I had to question if he would ever even walk right again or at all. Shit.

Or move his arm.

If Corey couldn't be his smiling, happy go lucky self? He'd rather not be here, that part I knew for sure.

"Carmen? It's been about 15 minutes you ready to go see him?" Sucking in a deep breath to relax the knot in my chest, I reached for the cup of water my Mother shoved in my face. Downing the freezing liquid, I relaxed slightly as it froze my chest. If I could stay like that in that moment cold and unfeeling I would. But my chest burned warm moments later, that knot returning and growing larger as they helped me stand and walk to the door. It hurt like a bitch, but I stood tall until they wheeled that wheelchair up to me.

"I know you're still waking up, but we're going to start having you walk more and work that femur out okay?" Avoiding eye contact with the nurse speaking to me, I nodded and watched the shinny floors of the hospital rush by as they pushed me to the elevators. I could hear people, there laughter, bits and pieces of there conversations but I just kept my head down until we made it to his floor.

It smelled.

The smell of morphine and other medications were so strong. I had to cover my nose a few times. Even I smelled like it, like the hospital and it made my skin crawl.

It was revolting to me, I hated it here.

To me hospitals smelled of death and sickness. If I could've had a home birth I would've. But that was just me.

"There he is." Listening to them leave, I followed the rhythmic beat of his heart monitor.

"Corey." I croaked, startled by the sound of my own voice. It was hoarse and it burned to talk.

"If you can hear me, I need you to fight okay?" Trembling where I sat, I forced myself to look up and look at him. And I mean really look. Majority of his body lay covered in wires, tubes and chords but they made it look all neat and proper by covering it with his blankets. But I could still see them. Some drained fluids from his head, chest and other areas of his body. A bag hung at the end of his bed slowly filling with his urine, that very visibly filled with blood.