Stonehearts 7: Ruby

Twenty Two

Hindi ko nagawang sabihan si Aly o si Sage na nagbalik na nga si Bryce. I want to but I know they would freak out, and I'm tired on always leaning unto their shoulders. Hindi naman sa nagrereklamo na sila o ano. Gusto ko lang din sigurong patunayan sa sarili ko na hindi na ako ganoon ka-apektado sa kanya tulad ng dati.

Gripping my phone in hand, I swiped and ended up unblocking him from messenger. My fingers were shaking badly but I have to address this head on.

Me: Please, stop doing what you're doing. It's weird and I already have someone and I don't want that being jeopardize because of this act you're pulling.

After I hit send, I kept tapping my foot on the floor waiting for his reply. I shouldn't feel this way. Dapat hindi ako nag-aabang, dapat hindi ko in-e-expect na mag-re-reply pa siya.

Kinalma ko ang sarili ko gamit ang pagbilang ng isa hanggang sampu kasama ng mabagal na paghinga.

Si Bryce lang 'yon, Arcie. He's nothing. Wala na siya 'diba? Wala na. Parte ng nakaraan at dapat doon lang siya, iniiwan sa nakaraan.

Paulit-ulit kong pinadaan 'yon sa isipan ko. Hindi ko na nga alam kung 'yon ba talaga ang naiisip ko o pinilipit ko lang ang sarili ko.

I cleared my throat and focused hard on my computer. Hindi ako nakapag-kape buong araw pero pakiramdam koi sang litro ng kape ang nakonsumo ko. My nerves are wracking and all over the place.

I can't seem to stop my racing thoughts and speeding pulse and heartbeat.

Hanggang sa may biglang pumitik sa noo ko kaya ako napataas ng tingin,

"You look pale. Are you okay?" Sage asked, his eyebrows pinched together in worry.

Napatikhim ako at alinlangan na napatango, "O-oo naman." Saka ako agad napababa ng tingin.

Bad move. Because my sight all but focused to the Spirited Away Pen on my organizer. Dapat tinapon ko na 'to noon pa!

"You sure?" tanong niya mula.

Sandali akong napatingin sa kanya. Hindi ko kayang makipagtitigan kay Sage dahil malalaman niya agad na may mali. So, I roamed my eyes until I ended up looking at the cup with the Tim Horton's logo in his hands.

"Kabibili mo lang niyan?" I diverted, pointing at the subject in question.

"Oo. Bakit?"

"Akin na lang. Kaninang umaga pa ko 'di nakakapag-kape."

He was silent. It took me a brief second of hesitance before I managed to look back to his face. Mukha pa rin siyang naguguluhan pero inabot naman niya sa'kin 'yong kape niya.

"Here. Gusto mo lang ata makalibre ng kape." He teased, meaning he doesn't suspect me anymore, making me relaxed on my seat.

I just stuck my tongue out and he walked away while shaking his head.

Just as soon as he stepped inside his office, my phone chimed. I shakily reached for it and saw the messenger logo and Bryce's name beside it.

I battled with myself if I'm ready to read, not really knowing what to expect. I want him to leave me alone but at the same time, disappointment fills me if he ever agrees to what I just said.

Pero hindi ko malalaman hanggang hindi ko babasahin 'diba? Kaya nilikom ko lahat ng lakas ng loob na mayroon ako saka binuksan ang mensahe.

Bryce: I don't want any trouble. Gusto lang kita makausap. After that, I'll respect your decision.

Me: I've already decided. You can refer to my first message.

I didn't care if response came out snarky. Pati kasi sarili ko nilalabanan ko na. Bakit ko ba kasi siya in-unblock?

When I saw the three dots flying on the screen, I braced myself for his message. Marami na akong naisip na pwedeng sabihin, pero hindi ko inakala na ito lang ang isasagot niya.

Bryce: Please.

Somebody kill me because I read that one word in his sad, pleading voice while I imagine his eyes losing the usual warmth it possess. I felt my knees weakening and my heart clenching at the idea of it.

Napatayo ako at mabilis na nagtungo sa break room. I need an intervention! Kailangan kong ipaalala sa sarili ko na masaya na ako ng wala siya sa buhay ko.

Mabilis kong hinanap ang number ni Marco saka ko siya tinext. Alam kong maliit lang ang chance na mabasa niya 'to dahil malamang on-duty na siya pero handa akong subukan.

I need to hear his voice. I need him to tell me to stay away. I need him to remind of the things I went through just so I can forget about Bryce.

Limang minuto ang hinintay ko bago tumunog ang cellphone ko.

"Marco." Panay-hangin na sagot ko. My heart is running a mile per minute and I think if this goes on, my lungs won't be able to keep up.

"Hey, Arcie. Are you okay? Do I need to come and get you?" he rushed.

"Oh, no! No. I'm okay. I'm okay." Madali kong sagot.

"You sure? I'm worried."

"Yes. But I do have something to tell you." I said, not waiting anymore.

I heard him clearing his throat but was quiet. I think he's waiting for me to just lay it all.

"I went to Starbucks as planned. Pero naunahan na ako ni Bryce at binayaran niya ulit 'yong kape."

More silence, before he gritted out. "What else?"

"I messaged him. Sabi ko tigilan na niya ako, that I have you and that I don't want to ever lose what we have because of him."

He let out a heavy breath, as if he's relieved. "What did he say?"

"Sabi niya kausapin ko lang daw siya at pagkatapos, gagalangin niya raw ang magiging desisyon ko."

"What does that mean?"

"Hindi ko rin alam." And that's the truth. Hindi ko rin mawari kung ano pa bang pwede niyang sabihin sa'kin na hindi pa malinaw nang araw na sinabihan niya akong hindi kami pwede.

"G-gusto mo ba siyang kausapin, Arcie?"

I went silent. Contemplating on what should be the right thing to say. I mean, I made this call to set my thinking straight, pero ngayon, parang mas dumami ang mga katanungan sa isipan ko.

"Marco, I called because I wanted to hear your voice." I segued. But he didn't drop the question.

"Please answer me, Arcie." His voice is near begging. I bit my lip, hating myself for dragging him into this mess.

"G-gusto ko." I admit, to him and to myself. "Gusto kong marinig kung ano ang sasabihin niya, ipapaliwanag niya kahit hindi ko naman hiningi."

"Okay. I respect your choices."

"Marco, I'm really sorry."

"Arcie, it's fine. It hurts but it's alright. Matagal ko ng tinanggap ang posibilidad ng pagbalik niya at kung anong magiging epekto non sa'yo, sa'tin."

"Kakausapin ko lang naman siya. And then – "

"Arcie, you don't have to explain." He said, cutting me off. "I understand that you need this for your peace. But you have to promise me one thing, don't dwell on the idea that you'll lose me because he's back. It's you, who's more vulnerable. And that's what I'm afraid of, you losing yourself back to him."