Stonehearts 7: Ruby

Twenty Eight

Unforgivable.

It is one word to describe what I did to Marco. While everything that had happened, all the strings that were attached were all consensual, I was in no position to subject all of it in a matter only I would gain.

Maybe, I did it unconsciously. It wasn't enough to rationalize my actions. I hurt him, really bad. The way his eyes glossed over with pain, it's forever ingrained in my memory.

"Baby girl, I think you should sleep. I can do the patrol duty." My mom's voice breaking my painful reverie.

I raised my head from the Kindle I was blankly staring at to gaze at her. I was deep in my thoughts I didn't realize she had woken up and had been tending to dad. She's as tired as hell, the dark circles in her eyes shows how much sleep she's been excessively losing.

"Mom, three hours pa lang ang tulog mo." I argued.

She huffed, "You need rest more than I do. Ilang oras ka ng gising? Twenty six hours?"

"Mom, you look like a zombie."

She resigned with a sigh because she knows I'm not backing down. She peered at dad one more time before she nodded her head and lied back down. In a few seconds, she's dozed off.

I'm again left alone with the familiar but unwanted beeping of the monitors around my dad. The stark white walls on his suite isn't doing me any better.

We were informed about his condition and it's an information I can't accept. His body deteriorated with great acceleration shortly after a higher dose of medicine was used for his chemotherapy. Hindi maintindihan ng mga doctor ang nangyayari. Soon enough, we're given the ultimatum.

One to two months.

I can't even remember the fleet of events after mommy called. She's a crying mess as she blabbered the facts. Hindi ko alam kung saan ko sisimulang iproseso ang lahat.

They said he's doing well. They said I have nothing to worry. They said I'm only allowed to visit once dad entered remission.

I don't have anyone with me when I learned. It's the only time I ever felt so alone. Aly doesn't know anything about dad's worsening condition, Sage is pretty much busy with his company, and the only person who has knowledge of these is Marco. And I have severed my relationship with him.

I can remember though that at one point, I went out and stood for hours in the pouring rain. Desperately in need of feeling something because I was numbed all over.

My actions were all robotic after that. My mind seemed to have directed and decided everything that has to be done without the consent of my emotions. My logic overruled any other sensation that may interfere.

My resignation, which should be hard given that I was vague with my answers. But it didn't. I was able to look directly at Sir Ray's eyes and deliver words relentlessly. It was like an out of my body experience. Pakiramdam ko nasa tabi ako ng sarili ko habang pinapanood ko ako na makipag-usap sa boss ko.

Since I won't be able to meet the thirty day render period the company requests, I waived all my rights in encashing my unused leaves. It's the least of my concern, but without fair reasons the firm would subject my resignation for review. Drumming my friendship string with Ate Era, Kuya Cael sprung into action taking care of the rest.

Clearing my space at Kings Holdings is a different story. I'm convinced that Sage had put a tracking device on me because as soon as I walked out of the elevator and into the reception, he came waltzing out of the main floor with eyes trained with determination.

He's firing questions at me that would make a interrogator proud. He was to believe that my sudden departure from CML Firm was because of the unlikely confrontation between Bryce and Marco at his party. And knowing Sage, he have this undying urge to fix things for me, which is one of the annoying things he does for the people he cares for.

But I didn't cave in. I matrixed my way out of his inquiries, like what I did with Sir Ray. I won't reveal dad's condition because I know he'll feel guilty in a sense that he wasn't able to detect that I've been long contrite about it. Sage doesn't do well with that, he'll lose his mind and the last thing I wanted before I say goodbye is him feeling responsible because he failed to be there for me for the things I chose not to disclose.

Leaving Aly was the hardest part. Seeing her splinter apart as she bulldoze a hug at me, it was when I felt the heaviness of my situation taking a monumental drop at me. It was awful, a searing and massive pain slicing my very being.

She wished she wasn't so preoccupied of babying her relationship that she was neglecting me. She wished she had watched me more, be with me more so she would have guessed something was deadly wrong with me. She wished she had known all along. She wished I didn't hold back that information from her.

Tears and sobs were all we were, with her apologizing repeatedly and me reassuring her that she won't get fired from being my best friend. I can't possibly blame her for being finally happy.

She's the only person who saw me off and it's alright with me. She took the liberty to find someone who will take care of the house while I'm gone.

However, while I stare at dad's frail and withering from, tube in his mouth, needles mounted on his veins, I don't think I can ever go back to the Philippines.

One month and one week, that's the span left for daddy. It would be a bit better if we'll be able to sneak out of this hospital once in a while, visit the places where we used to go. But with dad still refusing to wake up, I'm far to be permitted of my wishes.

I sighed, now would be the best time to feed my hunger for coffee. I treaded to the kitchenette, streaming myself a cup of brewed coffee mom whipped a few hours ago.

My vacant regard on the white wall above the sink was disturbed by a frantic beeping on my background. Before my reactions can even get to me, my mom bolted up and soon rushing medical professional started to pile in like ants inside dad's room.

The white walls started crowding in on us, the spacious suite abruptly felt like a confined, small space. I'm still gripping my coffee cup when my mom and I are ushered outside the room. The nurse looked apologetic, but there was urgency in her movement.

I feel my mom hugging me, her cold hands on my arms in contrast to the hot beverage clasp between my own.

I feel her trembling with her tears, her raspy yet hopeful voice spewing prayers on a loop.

I feel her kissing the side of my face, convincing me that dad will pull through it.

She was fanning out a lot of intense and raw emotions, but I sensed none of my own. I feel nothing. There's this big pit of nothingness sitting on my chest, refusing me to feel anything.

I am there yet I'm not. Even when the doctor emerged from the door, yanking his masked off before shaking his head at us. Even when my mom fell on her knees, her uncontrollable sobs echoing the quiet hallway. There are no tears from me. No emotions. And I know, I just died along with my dad.