Stonehearts 7: Ruby

Twenty Three

"What do you think?"

I blinked a few times trying to remember what our topic is. Kanina alam ko 'yong anemic na kulay ng lasagna na gawa namin ang pinagtatawanan namin, ngayon hindi ko na alam.

I zoned out after Marco asked me about my favorite ramen flavor. Before, I'm okay with it. I'm alright conversing about the restaurants Bryce and I used to hang out. Pero ngayon, iba na ang pakiramdam.

"Arcie?" he called. He stopped chopping the pepperoni and looked at me warily. "Are you still here with me?"

It's figurative. He knows. Marco can read me easily and he knows my mind had drifted to the one person I shouldn't be thinking about. Especially now, I'm with Marco, in my kitchen, making our own pizza and lasagna.

"Y-yes. I'm sorry. Ano kasi . . ."

"'Yong ramen?" punto niya.

Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko saka tumango. Nagbaba ako ng tingin sa pizza dough na nasa harap ko dahil hindi ko kayang tagalan ang mga mata niyang nangungusap.

Tila parang nagmamakaawa na 'wag ko ng isipin ang taong wala naman sa tabi ko, taong walang ibang ginawa kundi paiyakin ako, taong pinaglalaban ko kahit alam ko nang una pa lamang ay talo na ako.

He sighed, then I heard his footstep tapping lightly on the wooden floor before the faucet ran. Hindi pa rin ako nagtataas ng tingin, naisip ko kung gugustuhin niya mang umalis na, hindi ko siya pipigilan.

Hanggang sa naramdaman ko siya sa tabi ko sabay hapit niya sa bewang ko para iharap ako sa bulto ng katawan niya. Mahina niyang itaas ang ulo ko gamit ang baba ko upang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa.

His eyes were comforting, understanding. And I hated it. I hated how good he is, how great he's handling this, how calm he is with everything. While I'm here feeling like shit because I've grope him into this unsettled mess I thought I've already sorted out.

His hand stayed at small of my back while the other is plastered on jaw, his thumb lightly grazing on my cheek.

"Bakit nagbago ang isipan mo? Bakit biglang ayaw mo na siyang kausapin?" mahina pero pirming tanong niya.

I again sink my teeth on my lip before I was able to utter, "Na-realize ko kasing wala siyang kailangan ipaliwanag. Lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, lahat ng sakit na natanggap ko, lahat ng 'yon ay dahil pinili ko. From the very beginning he made it clear that he's in love with somebody else, pero ako lang ang nagpumilit. Even until the very last moment, he was firm to not take advantage of what I feel. Ako lang 'yong tatanga-tanga na umasa kahit hindi naman niya ako pinaasa."

Napatango siya, "Aren't you curious about the things he might say?"

"Bakit parang gusto moa tang kausapin ko siya? I thought you wanted him away from me?"

Muli siyang napabuntong-hininga at napapikit. Nakakunot ang noo niya saka siya namulat at sumagot, "I do. I want him to stay the hell away from you. Pero hindi ako makasarili. Hindi ko ipagdadamot sa'yo ang bagay na alam kong gusto mo. You want to hear what he has to say. Kahit na binawi mo ang desisyon mo, kahit na itanggi mo sa'kin ngayon. Alam kong gagawin mo lang 'yon para protektahan ang nararamdaman ko." Saka niya idinantay ang noo niya sa noo ko. Ngayon ko lang napansin na malalim na pala ang paghinga niya. "You don't have to do that for me, Arcie. You don't have to protect me from anything, especially from your actions. Because whatever it is, be it good or bad. I'm ready to accept it. For you. Always."

I felt my tears stinging eyes and before I can even will them to stop, my vision already got hazy. Marco drew in a deep breath before he straightened his posture, his thumbs working double time swiping my tears away.