i'm tired of this world, but what do i know?

f o r y o u

for you
self control -frank ocean

i mumbled something back to her when she said i was wrong
did my ears deceive me?

nobody would believe me
if i had said
alas
my love
loves me too

but if only that had ever been true
the reality of it all is that ill never know what happened to me
why my heart felt like paper and glass
and my hands were so easily open to love
so foolish and lovesick
so smitten
so infatuated
with a smile from she

ill never understand how it happened
or why i felt the way i did
everything is a little different

now when she sits next to me
i don't know what to say
because i erased her name
her face

her memory became sweet
and then her existence diminished ever so slowly
she had reached her peak
and it was enough for me
i broke a mold
i wished
i wanted
i told my birthday cake candles
that i just wanted to be happy

surprise
that wish is still somehow incomplete
so ill keep wishing

ill try to avoid it
but im best at reminiscing
sitting here catching pneumonia for you
but it's such a beautiful sight
the thought of how i fell in love with a view whilst simultaneously falling in love with you

i spoke my words to the sky and i lay there
screaming and crying
happy and dying
you know my words so well
there's no need to explain them to you

i've stopped wondering
but somehow i still find myself looking for you
in faces and places that i know you'll never be
i've lost so many people
never thought i'd lose you too

but im not broken up about it
im not angry or sad or anything
i think
im glad we did

and i don't feel like im in purgatory
and i don't feel trapped under your skin
i feel free
but in the worst way

i just keep remembering
and not feeling
presently

it's a sad feeling to fall out of love
but it happens
it's cruel and malicious
rather the love was wanted or not

it's giving your soul and retracting it
this is your spot, and it always will be
and im sitting in it

and i just remember when
i was so in love with what could have been

now i only sit and reminisce
never growing tired of the sound of jaden smith and little kids running and laughing in the background

if only they too could
quiet their busy souls
and sit down
and see just how

my life changed back then
ive stopped looking
ive stopped searching
ive stopped thinking
ive stopped hurting

but not because im in love again
but because you and i
only exist back then
and i dare to live in the present tense
for once

but now it's like im watching a movie of my memories of the people that have freed themselves of me
it feels sad when i think of you all

but today im setting a boundary
today i sat here
and i thought of you
there's no shame in that
im not afraid of that

won't wipe your existence away
can't replace anything that we did
my youth was exciting
and you were apart of it

so i sit here and smile
i smile at the foolishness
i wish i could be optimistic and hopeful like back then

now i only see things for what it is
but every now and then
i remember me
way back when

and the fire she lit
and somehow i feel okay with the fact
that it will never burn again

i can't feel my hands
but i wrote this for you
surprise

ill never forget a friend.