skating
and she will miss you -mads
they say im skating on thin ice
moving dangerously
they all wonder why
why i do anything that i do
it's because i like to skate
between thin sheets of jagged, sharp porcelain
i admire the fear and bravery of doing a thing that most people would not
and the irony of it all
is that my actions
have no sure result
nor any satisfaction
no matter what
i will always be empty
because that's how they made me
it's so hard to be yourself
when everyone bullied you into becoming someone else
but i won't blame
i won't say
i won't do
i will just stay
skating
gliding slowly
scraping and sliding across the ice
it's not the first blade i felt connected to me
but that feeling
of skating
hurts more than
any sharp little thing
sometimes when you're sad
you try everything to become happy
even if it tears you apart
even if it's pointless
even if it makes no sense
like skating on skin with sharp knives
or just
skating on
thin
ice
doing whatever
just hoping that you might
find clarity
in the midst of your dark mind
why do we hold on?
why do we keep skating underneath ptsd and anxieties?
why can't i crack the ice?
why can't i just diminish all of my fears on my own?
everyone loves to asks why
and i don't have an answer
but i try to explain
by saying that it feels like nothing
so you do a lot
to feel something
and sometimes the things that you do aren't good
but they're not bad either
they're nothing
im sorry that i cry so much
but ive learned that its best to do it alone
people don't understand on the outside
they see and hear my pain but they don't
understand it
they just don't want me to die
but what is the point in living a life full of pain and suffering
what is the point in living a life that already feels like ive died?
im sorry for saying what i did to you tonight
i probably said too much again
but you took it well
and when you left i cried
and cried
but inside
i felt nothing
again
i feel gone
but i know im still skating alone
no music to be heard
no ones picking up the phone
no one needs to check in
please
don't feel obligated
i don't need that kind of sympathy
i think i'm too old for that now
there is nothing in this world that can fill this emptiness in my chest
nothing
because it's been there
growing
for years and years
and i had just been watching the ice then
but now i live on top of my worries, ptsd's, anxieties, and depressed moments
they're all buried underneath the ice
and they all wait patiently for the moment i slip
so the ice can break
and let every bit of sadness in me
escape
and so will i
every bit of sadness in me
will die
and if there's no ice to skate on
so will i
but please know
even though i cry
i'm still skating
i'm still trying
even though it's hard to see that from you
you look at me and i die a little
because i feel like i've let you down tonight
when you saw my scars
and i explained
that they were only on the inside
though you seemed to watch them physically
with tears in your eyes
i promise you these scars
don't compare to the ones inside
and i am skating
on very
very
thin ice
i don't know what i need
so
i try
everything
•••
YOU ARE READING
i'm tired of this world, but what do i know?
Puisipoems about my life they are happy they are sad they are loving they are hateful they are pieces of me sewn into the thoughts of you if you have any questions ask me thanks for reading ••••••• 2nd poetry book.
