i'm tired of this world, but what do i know?

f o r h e r

for her
jocelyn flores -xxxtentacion

this ones for you
beautiful girl
who thinks
she's not

you are just like me
we were
similar in the absolute worst ways

i miss my best friend
in the most heart wrecking way
on my happiest day
i will still think of her

and how i could have been different
but im always struggling to stay alive
so yes
i might
take it out on you
or everyone
because it was never just you
it was everything
and everyone
that became too much for me

because i was so terrified that you'd leave me
you ended up
deciding
that leaving is exactly what you should've done

and that
is a decision
and in life
we make a lot of those
so im not here to judge that decision
but
everything comes with a price

it's important to stay conscious
that the decision might not change only your life
but
everything
you may not think i had meant much to you at the time
but you
losing you
was life changing
world bending
heart breaking
the worst that it's ever been broken

no lost relative
no betraying father
no angry mother
no self identity crisis
no love interest

could ever touch my heart
in the way that you did
when you took it
from my chest

i spoke fragile words
not to manipulate
like you said

i don't think i had ever been more honest
i never had a reason for you to stay
but i hoped
that my honesty would be enough

but it sometimes isn't

i saw this movie
and it reminded me of you
so much so
i cried after the date

do you know how many times i have cried over you while holding someone else?

he held me
he stays
because he yearns to see the day
where i can change
because he believes me
when i say

i want to be a better person

and he wipes my tears
when i say

im so horrible
im so ugly
im so fat
im such a bad person

because i must be
to lose
someone i held so closely to my heart

but he still holds me
and all of my moods ever changing
as my life is unstable and a mess
crying over
everything

with no one to cry to
about you
without feeling
so
useless
and silly

he holds me up to see the sun
sometimes
i cry so hard
i can't speak
the panic sets within me
my memory becomes a ptsd

he takes me outside
in cold weather
and drives me around until i fall asleep

talking to me
even when i can't speak
and my thoughts murder me

i think of him
instead of her

because he's here
presently
and he

wants to see me
be exactly what i wish to be

there is no lie within him
nor is there in me

i have no words for her
because she doesn't exist
presently

you made a decision
and that is all that you did

and everything comes with a price
but i know better than most

it'll shine
and sparkle and twinkle
like diamonds in the sunlight

but it will
shine on and on

finish my words here
blossoming
as the warmth of
life

you cannot take away decisions
but you can always make new ones

and now
i decide