i'm tired of this world, but what do i know?

p u r g a t o r y

purgatory
lost boy -jaden smith
Israel -willow smith
moon river -frank ocean

I don't know how many times a girl can die
perhaps
i have nine lives

i do so much
but i feel so little

each and every time i cry
the deeper i dig
as to why

i should've jumped too
then maybe id learn to survive

tore down my ego
i listened
cause apparently she knows
and i didn't

know if i dropped blue
she held me back on the edge
and they would too
dance on my grave
spitting my name

don't tell
don't do a thing
these words
are emotions
that only i can bring

i ain't nothin
but debris
floating in the wind
nowhere
that's where
i wanna be

some people think they get it
they just don't get me

alone
and that's full speed
on the dash
yeah it's finally working

i keep going but the road runs out
there's nothing im looking for
no one to see
at this point i don't care what people think of me
what's the value in false pride
i cry
all the fucking time

some people think they get it
but they just see me
they don't want me gone
just because I'd be another case
another unsavable mistake
they wanna be the hero
ok, take your cape

"a talented writer" isn't a job
it's just me
take it as cocky
it's the only thing i like about me
how i can express my deepest depths
poetically

on days like this
that's all that i can manage to be

i give my words away because their too harmful inside
i try to call friends but they're hours away having the grandest of times
im reclusive
and nuisance
you know me
on days like this that's all i can see

looking in the mirror
the enemy is me
who knew that an "inspiration"
could have such low self-esteem?

it's here where i rest my case
it's here where i left that day
it's here where i can't escape

back and forth
with a ghost
im not like me anymore
im so useless
and the truth is
i barely have the strength to do shit

im tired of days like this
when my mind wanders off
i can't catch it

and there she goes
running through memories
like a track star
i could try to stop this
but it doesn't go
so i let myself

and then im here again
lie about it to mom and dad
until the day i die
i could
just put my words into history
and pursue it

but
i made one promise
i wanna say screw it
pick up where i left off
but no one would understand
no one would get it

that's all in the past yeah
no shit
then why the hell do i still feel it?
like i feel february 26?

im a walking nuisance
say go get a boyfriend
yeah mom,
you wish

keep messing up
i can't decide
who wins

sometimes i wish that they all found what they were looking for
whatever that is

im always looking
and i still haven't found it
not even back then

I'd smile and laugh
but then
id go home
and the monster was me again
i opened my heart to the world
and so it lives

so strong that im weak
i fall
just as quickly as i peak
im no lion
but you'd think twice when i speak
and say how I've made it through
all of these things

im still here
and i don't know why
i don't know what's a failure
and what's a win
im tired of quitting
and im tired of endless begins

i don't want the middle
i don't want the memories
i don't want anything

im just
here again

and again
and again