i'm tired of this world, but what do i know?

a u t u m n

autumn
circles -mac miller

nobody believed me when i said it
i couldn't even believe me
i told them anyway
with no heart in my chest
i grew a little colder
the days go by
but i don't feel much older
i think my brain convinced me that im still seventeen
and that losing you
and her
and everyone else
was only a dream
things were fine when i was seventeen
so i stay there
because growing older
and accepting the pain
and the loss
and the heartache
of the past
is far worse
than living in it
even if it hurts
i might cry
and drown my boyfriends pillows with tears for months on end
it's funny how i did
the very same thing next to you
crying about someone else too
i feel like i lost
if life were a video game
i definitely lost
but luckily
it's not
and i still have the potential to be a winner
if i can
hold my tongue
be more loving to myself
and stomach dinner
but

it's not like that
it's never easy like people say it is
i think of you ever single day
and the emptiness doesn't go away
it's not like anything ive felt before
at some points
with pain so heavy on my chest
i would give up
and let someone else try and wake me up

but through these sad moments they didn't learn anything but my own weakness
they didn't see me
they saw you
and they victimized me
because i cried
but i wasn't crying for me
i only cried for you

i only wished that i could've shared some of the hurt that i put you through
i wished that i could've been
someone else
a better me

but look at me
there's a lot of talk
and conspiracy
but this is the least that i can manage to be

i skip meals because i hate myself
i eat because i love everyone else
i cry because i want to be beautiful
and i yell because i hate myself
i blame and twist and self-deprecate because im

anorexic

and i hate that word

so i used depression

but i know what i am
and what ive always been

there was always the underlying reason of why

IM SO ANGRY

or

why

I WANNA DIE

i see it now
and it's easy to give in and fall apart
because now there isn't really anyone left to take down with me
i see my faults and my lack of understanding

my need to be right
and to be believed because
i felt that my whole self was built on a lie

i felt ugly
so i became what i felt inside

going through hell isnt easy
but i never meant to take you with me

i just wanted somebody
and i had someone
i felt like
with my friends
because they wouldn't give up on me
that they somehow believed that i could be
exactly what i said i'd be

all of those good things

never meant to be
so brooding
self-conscious
and jealous

never meant to
bring you down
or
ruin the party

never wanted to make you cry
i never wanted to say goodbye to you
because you reminded me of the girl i was before something got a hold of me

and it never ended

things lightened up
but only
when i was
skinny

i just
miss the friendship you and i had
i miss it everyday
and quarantine doesn't mean a thing